Everything is just against me right now… ugh! /snow vs lack of common sense and a bit of emotional crap.

I woke up to find my iPhone’s circuit board had blown the whole of it’s inner workings due to the water damage. In simple terms, the iPhone is dead. I gave it to a friend who fixes those types of phones. There was no way to recover any of the information on it. I am trying to get my numbers back by asking around for important numbers I’ve lost. I’ve got my friends number from his sister who I found via social network. I got my mentors number from the outgoing calls list on my home phones account. I’m waiting to hear back from one of the other women at the therapy group to get the number for my probation officer and the person that runs it. I can ask family member for their numbers via social network. However, I’ve lost all my photos. There is absolutely no way of getting anything back. I’ve ordered a new one but that won’t come for about a week. It’s slower because of the weather. 

I went out earlier to get a few bits. I wore my snow type boots. They were only a fiver from that everything 5 pounds internet store. I don’t wear any gloves because I just don’t like them. I had achy hands by the time I came back from the shop. I did quite well without headphones in and music in my ears. I thought that I’d be more anxious because that is how I cope out in the world normally. I actually have got more done since I’ve not had a working phone. The cat thought he wished to go outside. I opened the window and a gust of wind literally blew him off the windowsill. I just read an article on southendnewsnetwork.net – ‘Thirteen people killed in supermarket fight for the last loaf of Hovis’. I was glad to read that it was a spoof/satirical website. I know it’s bad out there, but it’s not got to that level yet. It looks like the owner of this spoof site has been threatened by the local borough council due to stories it’s posted which residents have thought was real. In example: In the story that made the council have words with the publisher of the site, was an article published about trick or treaters  needing a licence and having to undergo training before being allowed on the streets.

In regards to the weather. I now have a storm with my name (storm Emma). I’m not sure if that is a positive thing as it seems like it’s going to be a very severe storm. It’s being made more severe by mixing with the ‘beast from the east’. It’s horrible because we are just not prepared for this kind of weather. I remember back when I was two (late 80s), when we last had this kind of snow. I remember the snow drift that my parents car got stuck in over in Coventry. I was so small that the snow was higher than me (I was only 2). I was bought up quite old fashioned. I was allowed to wander around in the snow without all that red tape health and safety. We used to be able to cope with all this type of weather without all the issues we’re having at the moment. Common sense has also gone out the window. The health and safety red tape has stopped people making logical decisions for themselves. I wouldn’t take a baby out in this weather. The parents of today just don’t think logically. There are now babies and young children stuck on motorways because common sense wasn’t used. Young children, like myself, back when we had this kind of weather on a regular basis, were allowed to play in it.

However, from what I remember, I had to stay at my Grandparents for a few nights because my parents had the common sense not to take small children on motorway journeys. We only lived half an hours drive via the motorway from my Grandparents. I know how hard it is to be a parent. I completely fell apart because of my post natal depression which looking back may have gone into psychosis mode but I had to naturally work through it because all they wanted to do was take my baby for adoption, not help me. I would have never have taken my son out in this weather even in the car. And, I was the one deemed unfit to be a Mum. It does anger me quite a bit because I see parents who do not value their children or even have any common sense to care for them properly and just because they haven’t been put into the system, they get to keep them. I also get this way because I grew up with an emotionally unavailable Mother. I am actually despising other Mothers and Motherhood in general as I age now.

I’m getting more like that because I’m hardening myself in case I am going through that change early. It’s my way of accepting that I won’t probably be able to have any more children. I promised myself I’d never end up old and bitter… but hey, here I am bitter and aging prematurely in regards to hormones. I try so hard not to hate anyone else with children, but I do because I know that I’ve lost the only child that I’ve been fortunate to have. He’s not dead, but to me, he is. Even if he wants to find me in the future (if the adoptive parents tell him), he’s never going to be my baby boy again. If he develops the genetic conditions (he had asthma as a baby already) that my Father had then he might pass away prematurely and we will never meet again. I also don’t know if I’m going to have a long enough life to meet him again due to genetic conditions I’ve inherited. I also don’t know the long term affects of the anti epilepsy medication I was given as a child. It hurts to think I’ll never see him again. But, as I said, he will no longer be seen as the baby boy I had to give up.

I’ve seen things referenced in television programmes in regards to Mothers saying they were never the same after their children were taken for adoption against their will. I agree. I was always a bit lost but I settled down as I got older. Ever since my son was taken for adoption I’ve felt a huge void of emptiness and am tearful quite a lot. I’ve never spoken about it because people told me I just had to get on with life. But, look what happened trying to just ‘move on’. I caused so much pain to others I wanted in my life. And, now they’re gone forever too. I ignored my pain because I know that the other person would never understand it. They didn’t have children. I wouldn’t have understood this inner pain that has changed me and left a huge unrepairable void before I had my son. I was a different person emotionally before I went through pregnancy and the hormonal changes that went with it.