This disability isn’t an ‘option’.

I’m not attempting to get at any one by saying what I’m about to say. I saw a comment in passing somewhere earlier in regards to ignorant people thinking that forms of autism are optional and the person can chose to lose their traits on demand. I can already tell others that being ‘punished’ to ‘lose’ your traits can and does leave a person traumatised. It may not make them traumatised for many years. However, one day, all the things in your life that you’ve experienced just come into your dreams and affect the way you think. I spend the majority of my day feeling extreme guilt for things that have happened. That isn’t as bad as the dreams which are definitely a result of me being traumatised. I can go through my worse nights constantly waking up due to nightmare after nightmare. I end up exhausted because I get no proper sleep. I also feel tired as a side effect on my anti depressants.

I have to make an effort to get into work etc now regardless of how I feel because I have lost my DLA benefit and was refused PIP. I do not feel that I will get any PIP even on appeal. I also would prefer the money to go to someone more in need than me. I could work if given a chance. There are people out there with much more severe learning disabilities and physical disabilities that won’t ever be able to work. If anyone is losing benefits it shouldn’t be them. I’m aware that there is a limited amount of money available in the benefit’s budgets now. I will appeal because that is an option they’ve given me on the letter. 

I don’t have an optional disability. I can’t just ‘switch it off’. I didn’t deserve to be labelled a criminal for it. I have only ever wanted to feel supported, rather than constantly fighting a brick wall because others just can’t ‘see my disability’. All they see is someone who is most likely choosing not to be able to behave in a way that others expect them to do. That label has made me despise myself because it’s made me feel that I’m an awful person, even though I know that I was pushed into meltdown mode because of what was being done to me at that time. That doesn’t matter to me. It’s what others think of me that matters the very most. Everyone thinks I’m the awful one because they do not know the full story and let’s face it, most of the people just want to chose their own version of ‘my story’. I’ve heard the most far fetched gossip about myself that isn’t even portraying me accurately. I would hate the person they’re gossiping about if I didn’t know it was me. I do hate myself because of the things that others have said.

If things were changing in regards to attitudes, awareness, and above all, acceptance then cases would end up being reviewed and finally others would listen to us and change things so that we can have a more peaceful life. That isn’t happening so I do not believe that there is enough change happening out there. They may keep saying that things are changing… but where is the proof? I see none whatsoever. The difficulties I experience in regards to my disability aren’t being recognised. I struggle every single day. I’ve been denied support for over a year now. I struggled even with support because they just all didn’t have a clue about my needs. They went against my needs and always made me feel so insecure and lost. The services never assessed me as a person. They just compared me with a list of what I ‘should be’ as a person with a certain label. I don’t want to struggle anymore but until society understands and accepts my differences to a point of compromise then that struggle will continue. I have experienced appalling attitudes from mental health teams, especially the likes of the forensic mental health service. We will never stop our offending behaviour if we are not supported and understood enough to be met half way so that things run smoothly for us. I have felt worse after going for ‘assessments’ with them. I’ve felt insulted and been accused of being all sorts that I know I’m not and none of their ‘assumptions’ have ever had the objective of helping me. They’ve just caused me more pain and added to how I eventually have become traumatised.