This isn’t a choice.

Things can’t stay the same between me and others much longer because it’s causing me severe depression. I can’t even face getting out of bed until evening most days. I only get up to feed the cats and while I’m up I do other things I need to do. I’d prefer to be in bed 24/7. I won’t ever be able to work like this because I’m exhausted. I have worsened since my pip assessment. I am a lot less motivated now. I just don’t want to do anything and everything in my flat has become a mess. I feel tired just looking at it. I’ve actually gone out just so that it won’t bug me. I can’t help feeling miserable. I just feel like everything is hopeless. I’m tired all the time. I never get anything done. I just hate being like this because it isn’t who I am.

I used to get depressed but always used to be able to look smiley and happy. I just am losing the ability to do that because I’m so tired.  I’m not saying that things changing would be the cure for my depression, but I’m sure that it would help. It would help with not feeling so left out and isolated. I am cut up with guilt about things that have happened in the past. I can’t move passed that while things remain as they currently are. I’ve been made to suffer enough. The past will never be in the past while orders are making it stay current. I didn’t ask to be born with a disability, just like I didn’t ask to be punished for my disability. This is slowly destroying me and no one is seeing that. It’s not fair to freeze things in time to always remain how they are because at the time when most things happened I was cut up from losing my son to adoption. I wanted support at the time. I didn’t need to be treated as an awful person.

I just can’t keep pretending the current conditions aren’t destroying me. It’s not even about the other person involved. It’s the injustice of being let down and pushed into the position where I was punished. Even NAS outreach in the uni decided they couldn’t understand me so they wouldn’t support me. I am traumatised for a reason. I’ve never been able to trust anyone around me my entire life. It’s just getting to me more and more. I end up so depressed I can’t face getting out of bed even. None of you know what damage you’ve all caused to me treating me with hate and rejection. I just needed some kind of love that I’ve never had and that would have made so much of a positive difference in my life. Instead, I’m stuck being made to feel like a disease.