One of those days when I am affected by my disability more.

I woke up feeling depressed. It doesn’t help when you know that you’ve got barely any money coming in to cover the daily living expenses. I’m never going to be able to afford to move out this area now. I’ve made up my mind and the thought of being stuck here is depressing anyway. I won’t ever be accepted here. It is horrible to constantly be aware that people have whispered some untrue things behind my back for many years. It’s always going to be like that here. I was unaware of what was being said behind my back for two years. I don’t like being humiliated by anyone. I refuse to let anyone know me properly now because I’m that afraid of someone humiliating me again. I don’t talk about every aspect of my life on here, only the parts relating to my disability.

I feel that the PIP assessors really don’t have a clue about how much disability actually affects people. They’re most likely paid bonuses for denying us the benefit. I read an article online last night which stated that they have to reject 80% of the claims. This suggests to me that the evidence they claim to obtain from GPs and other services isn’t actually being obtained until the appeal stages where many that have been refused it have had it reinstated.

Those assessors are there only to find ways not to give you the financial assistance. The one I had was like a robot. They are emotionless zombies employed to try to keep the government money. I mentioned that my son had been forcibly adopted due to my disability. They acted so cold towards the information. This is  most likely it’s an exercise to direct the funds toward paying off this countries debt. We aren’t responsible for the UK getting into a billion odd pound debt.  The ones that should be stripped of their financial assistance is MP’s. They get paid enough to cover their jobs expenses without being given extra. If the expenses and other financial perks were taken off of MP’s (just pay their salaries which more than covers their expenses). We would soon find out who actually went into the job to represent the people. The ones that have gone into that line of work for the lifestyle and the money would soon leave. The money left over would pay for a substantial amount of that debt.

Those of us at the bottom weren’t the ones that caused the UK’s debts. The government, including the MP’s were responsible for that. It needs to be them which have cuts, not us. Most of the higher government don’t pay take anyway because they use loopholes to get out of it. I never used to have to pay tax because of being disabled and not in employment. I have had to pay a contribution to council tax since I got back to this area. However, despite my contribution, I’m not getting support from the local council as a disabled person. They’re even getting money for me because I’m still on that 117 aftercare section. Its pure greed by the government agencies. They’re not helping people, but instead, they are using people as trade deals.

I am substantially affected by my disability. I’ve been too depressed recently to even do my housework. It’s a mess and when it builds up it makes me feel worse. I maybe a member of the gym but my depression stops me going sometimes. I also get very tired. That makes me just want to stay in bed all day. I don’t sleep properly so that doesn’t help. I’m definitely traumatised over my past. I have nightmares. It’s hard to sleep when you’re woken up by nightmares. I now have to worry about not becoming homeless due to benefit cuts. That’s probably going to make sleeping harder. If no one wants my cats they might get put down. They are really loyal to me. They lie next to me on my bed when I’m too depressed to get up.

I feel unable to get up because I’m tired. I slept the whole of the evening last night. I woke up at midnight and then fell asleep about 4am. I woke up about 9am. I’ve had enough sleep but still tired. I’m emotionally tired from always fighting against a system of brick walls. In my younger days I was always able to remain able to get up from disappointments. I’m actually worn out nowadays.  I used all my energy in the past. I’ve never felt traumatised either before now. I think that is due to thinking more. I never used to think because that wasn’t something I did. The past and things in the present were just something that I didn’t think about. That isn’t the same now because I overthink. Going from one extreme to another is a PDA thing. I desperately need that diagnosis but it’s going to be difficult because I’m over 25. They are most likely to diagnose someone over that age with a personality disorder. And, from the things I’ve discovered in my notes, this area has been determined to label me with a personality disorder since my teens but they couldn’t do it then because the person being diagnosed has to be older. I am fully aware that personality disorders are the medical professions way of either calling someone an awful person or writing them off completely. I’m not letting them do that and they can’t make me unless I was sectioned. It’s extremely hard to section a person unless their is evidence of a person being a danger to themselves or others. I’m just laying here feeling depressed. That is harming me but it’s not like self harm etc. I’m just fed up of being exhausted. I get worn out quickly compared to others.