Irritated / lifestyle changes

I am just getting so irritated with this weight gain. I told myself that I wouldn’t care if going on medication caused me to gain weight. I did say I never actually used to think. I honestly didn’t think it through. I’m not okay with this weight gain thing. The trousers that I love so much fit now but they are tight. I hate that feeling and it doesn’t help that I am at that time when I bloat. I’ve never had a 30 inch waist. It has only been since going on this medication. There has to be an alternative to this. I see skinny people who are on anti depressants etc. The gym isn’t helping with weight loss at all. It may be toning me up a bit but that isn’t worth the £24 a month. I want to see a loss of 24 lbs in weight to justify that!

I am also pissed off with my hair because it’s constantly dry. I can’t not straighten it because it gets too frizzy. It is now looking greasy but at the same time in a dry condition underneath the styling product. If I touch it too much it won’t ever get long because it breaks a lot especially on the sides. I paid just over hundred quid for my ghd straighteners and now I can’t see the difference because these straighteners have started doing what my old ones did to my hair. I’m going to clean them to see if it’s product build up which is causing it. I need a decent product where I don’t need to put different product on to condition and heat protect it. It’s too much for my type of hair. I don’t think the weather helps. The wind blows my hair around and with it being thick it gets in massive knots. The damp air makes it look awful. It looks a lot better since I got inside now that I’ve brushed it and got all the knotty bits smooth. It is growing but I’m just impatient and want it to grow faster. I’m taking vitamins but it hasn’t made my hair grow faster. I have nail extensions on so I can’t judge whether it’s helping my nails grow.

I’m trying to drink more water, partly because of my weight. I’m not doing well at that. Unless I am too lazy or tired to make a cup of tea at home then I will not make an effort to drink water. It’s okay when I’m tired and all I have to do is go to the tap and put some water in a glass. But, I’m so used to drinking tea that it’s like a habit. It’s as bad as my OCD behaviours used to be. Habits are quite hard to break but when you’ve broken free of it then it’s like a huge weight being lifted which you no longer have to carry with you day in day out. I’ve never smoked but these habits, in my opinion, have the same kind of mechanisms involved. I’m not able to drink 8 glasses of water (recommended) per day because I have tried and ended up having to go toilet constantly. I know it probably eases off when you’re used to drinking that amount but I think I’ll train myself in the summer break when I’m not out and about so much because then I can make sure I’m by a toilet while it’s adjusting. 

I’ve passed my level 1 Maths exam. I was told today when I went in for my level 2 assessment to see what group I was going to be put in. I got 18 out of 20 questions right which meant I was able to go straight into the level 2 group rather than having to start in the pre-level 2 group. I got extremely anxious while I was there and it weren’t even due to the assessment. I saw a woman there (one of the teaching staff) who looked so much like the other person  which all that university stuff happened with. This woman had the same features and some mannerisms as that person. Admittedly they looked younger and slimmer than the other person. But, other than that they had the same long and coloured hair. If this other person wasn’t related to them in some way (probably sister at a guess) then it’s just a coincidence that they do have exactly the same facial features and hair. I thought it was the other person when I first glanced at them.

I texted a friend to tell them how freaky it was that I’d just seen someone who nearly looked the spitting image of that other person apart from the fact that they were slimmer. I got a text back saying ‘be nice, it’s not that person and they aren’t responsible for the crap that the other person did to you’. I was nice, when they came over to my table to ask questions I nodded because I literally couldn’t speak. Half of me was still shocked by the resemblance and the other half of me was scared. Admittedly, if they were related they didn’t have that feeling about them which I picked up about the other person. I don’t know how to describe it to those that don’t feel things. I didn’t feel a threatening vibe from them like I did with the other person. I probably should have listened to that vibe 3 years ago because it was a gut feeling which was trying to protect me from all the pain I went through due to them. I’ve had people tell me since that they didn’t want me to get hurt but if they’d have told me what the other person was really like then I’d end up not listening to their warnings and just accuse them of making things up. I was blinded by being immature and physical attraction. The other person could have been the devil at that time and I’d still have handed myself to them on a plate because physically they looked like someone I’d be attracted too. I was so blind to what everyone else could see. I know that awful things have been said behind my back. I wanted to believe the other person was loyal but there was always a nagging feeling I never listened to. It’s like that when you’re young before you mature. The people that you fall for when you first start noticing people in that way are normally completely bad for you. I’m not saying that the other person is an awful person despite things I’ve heard (gossip is never a reliable source though). Even if things had been different and we’d made friends, they’d have still been a negative influence on me. I still feel a fool for trusting them in the first place. I don’t think I will stop feeling a fool because of trusting them for many years. I feel used. They didn’t even use me, but I invested so much time to try to get them to be friends with me. I can’t get that back.

I’m hurting because it was unfair and I feel like they made a fool out of me. I remained hopeful that things would eventually be okay and sort themselves out. While behind my back they were telling others some terrible things about me. I hold my hands up and admit that I said some awful things in a meltdown. That wasn’t me. That was basically me being pushed from all directions and just exploding at one person. We always explode at the ones that mean something to us. I didn’t do ‘caring’ at that time. But, I do now. At the time I didn’t care about the other person (or in fact anyone) to refrain from losing my sh*t and saying whatever came into my head… as I said, I never used to think. I’m not the same person I used to be and I’ve changed so much that I don’t even recognise myself.