Today I feel like …

I don’t want to get up today. It is nearly 2pm so I have to soon. The cats are fed at 3. I start getting nudged by them because they know exactly when their feeding time is. They always have dry food down but they have the wet food at their feeding time. I have had Mimi nibble and claw my arm not just nudges. Mister is very vocal when he wants something. He will literally meow at me until I do it.

I’m so tired and feel lost. I woke up cold  so I switchd the electric blanket on. It is now making me fall asleep though. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t stand things as they remain. It would be a huge help to me if others were accommodating of my pda. I’m not asking for acceptance, but just to make my life less complicated. I didn’t chose to be born with my disability. Others did make conscious choices to sanction me for behaviour that is innate. That is what pda is about. I may have calmed down with maturity but it is ‘in build’. That means that the things that have been done to me is just like parents giving their autistic children bleach to drink in order to get rid of negative behaviour. I am traumatised and it physically affects me. I never was as open about the physical effects of pda. However, being constantly highly anxious can cause all that I experience.  It’s not fair to keep things as they are because it gets to me. It’s caused me to become traumatised. I’ve been through a lot in this area due to the system.

However, all the recent things have triggered me being traumatised. I long for others to be kind but I know that is never going to be because they see my disability in the wrong way. I’m seen as an awful person because of the lack of understanding. Those with physical conditions get treated with respect and the majority of people are loving towards them. This doesn’t happen when you have something wrong with your brain. People are cruel and judgemental and if you try to stand up for yourself then others punish you even worse. I just want it to change because every day things being the way they are make me tired. I can’t move on to better things due to the criminal label. I can’t get the career I always wanted and when I tried to have a family they took my child and placed him for adoption. If people understood mental related conditions then I wouldn’t have gone through any of this and be left with just an empty shell of a life. Others could help me but they refuse to do so. It would just take a few people to be supportive of me, especially in authority, to completely make over my life into a worthwhile existence.