I would just like to point out that this isn’t just about what has happened recently. The most recent things that have gone on is very tiny compared to the grand scale of things as a whole. I’ll never be truly over what has happened recently but it’s not bugging me as much as it has done previously. I don’t want anyone to read this assuming that it is solely about the most recent events. The whole blame cannot be pointed in one direction because it is a number of things, over many years that has made me the way I am right now.
I may be over many of the events that have happened to me over the years due to others not understanding aspects of my disability and misunderstanding my intentions, however, I’ve found recently as I’ve got older that certain things haunt me. I’ve never been the type to think about things… which fully explains the times I’ve retaliated to things that have upset me without seeing the implications which could stem from those actions. I thought maturity would help but it’s made everything I’ve ever been through hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t feel that it is a positive thing to be a ‘thinker’ and weigh things up in my head because I’ve become traumatised.
The things that I’ve experienced which were quite awful keep flashing back in my head. That isn’t the worse part of the effects of being traumatised. The dreams are worse than the flashbacks. I don’t get barely any rest because I have a nightmare type dream and I end up waking up constantly. I don’t know if I’m just depressed in general or the lack of proper sleep is making me feel absolutely miserable. I increased the dosage of my anti depressants but I feel worse. I don’t feel that anything will really help me while I live in this area. I don’t trust anyone because every time in the past when I’ve let my guard down awful things have happened. I feel uncomfortable in this county. I don’t have the resources to move away at this moment in time but if someone gave me the opportunity or the money to find somewhere else (enough money to live off while my benefits get swapped over to universal credit – if someone moves areas now the ESA benefit gets stopped and your housing benefit is given every month to you in one payment within universal credit benefit). I don’t think I can just move without giving notice on my flat and I wouldn’t do this unless I had secured somewhere to move into.
I don’t think anything else is going to help but to move away. I’ve met too many cruel people in this county. It shows because this county is the only place I’ve been labelled a criminal for my disability. I need to start again somewhere else. I knew that I never should have came back here. I felt that when I was pregnant with my son but I stupidly didn’t listen to it and got burnt again when I lost him to adoption soon after his birth. I literally have no happy memories here. Even the happy times were always overshadowed by something negative happening. I felt happier when I had moved away from here. I can’t go anywhere around here without some negative memory being associated with certain places. I won’t be mentioning my past anywhere I go if I move away because I don’t want to be judged again. I’m not the same person anymore, but I will always have my disability and if it’s PDA (still attempting to get it confirmed) then I will definitely need understanding of others in order to be able to live my life. That is something that no one has ever been willing to do because they see the Asperger Syndrome label and assume that I am more normal than abnormal.
I’ve always known that I wasn’t on that part of the spectrum and that hasn’t helped with others coming to the wrong conclusions. PDA is probably the most frustrating part of the spectrum to be on. Severe Autism means that at least you’re unaware of how much you struggle because you’re in your own world. Asperger Syndrome and High Functioning Autism is where you have the intelligence to understand the world around you. However, PDA is the part where the worlds logic completely baffles you. It’s like being a child in an adults body. The learning difficulties that you have can be quite frustrating because it takes you twice as much time to understand anything to do with social or logic based things. I have coordination issues that get on my nerves. I’m just clumsy and it’s annoying. I can fall over my own feet. This could be from when I had seizures growing up because when I had one my whole left side went floppy for a few minutes afterward. It was the weirdest feeling ever because my limbs on that side felt like rubber and extremely heavy. I couldn’t speak properly either because all my muscles lost function on that side. I also was treated with anti convulsion medication which was way too strong for me (this was later proven when a local hospital doctor got investigated). I honestly don’t feel that I’d have got away without some form of brain damage which may have materialised as a form of Autism. I can actually feel some of the damage as my left sides muscles are still weaker than my right. Brain damage can result in behaviour problems. I know for a fact that other children treated by the disgraced doctor grew up to have behaviour issues and learning disabilities.