I have just woken up at stupid o clock after yet another random dream that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I have a bad stomach ache and overheated due to electric blanket being on when I fell asleep. I was cosy when I fell asleep but I woke up boiling. I luckily didn’t go to sleep with cling film around my waist (induces sweating in a particular place to shrink it) otherwise I would have woken up even more uncomfortable. It does work because I got my trousers on much easier yesterday than previously. In some cultures they bind themselves to train areas of their body to become smaller. I thought that 30 inch waist could be trimmed down to at least a 28 inch doing this method.
Anyway, I’m feeling sad. I woke up with that feeling. I can’t shake it off. I just can’t do the way life stands. I don’t feel that others have been fair and if they continue not to be fair then my reality is going to stay full of sadness. I’m stuck with terrible nightmares and can’t have relationships ever because I’m left fearful of others. I don’t want that to be the remInder of my life. But I always find an excuse not to socialise. I always find and excuse not to make friends. I always will because things are as they remain and this makes me not trust anyone else. I don’t have to live like this any longer but others won’t do the right thing or at least compromise. That is what I need not to be trapped in this every day hell of a reality. I can’t fight depression when my spark can’t relight because it’s been burnt out by the actions of other people. I won’t ever be whole again. A huge part of me has gone since everything happened and I got left with ptsd type symptoms. I walk around feeling extremely empty. I comfort eat which doesn’t help my weight control. I’m worn out most of the time. I have a messy flat because every day things seem such an effort. I can’t stay like this but I will if others don’t at least compromise with me. I’m not an awful person. I only lost it and said awful things because of being pushed so far. I hate myself for things I said in anger but I have been punished several times over. I don’t need to be punished anymore for things I could never help. The impact it’s having on my life isn’t fair. I’m suffering more than anyone else. Everyone else has a life. I don’t because I will probably never have a full life due to how others got me labelled. It isn’t fair to leave me like this knowing it’s causing me so many issues. I can’t stand living like this any longer. I’m not the same person I was because I cannot function without extreme sadness on a daily basis. I barely get any rest due to the nightmares I’ve been left with. Others doing the right thing can take the edge off of these lasting effects.