Tired and a bit lost.

I made lots of friends in my group but I still feel lost. I don’t think I can hide how I feel any longer because I know what happened wasn’t fair. Valentine’s Day isn’t helping because it is the worse feeling wanting to be with another person but at the same time I can’t get intimate with others because of my experiences and how they’ve left me. I’m living half a lie because I have to. I will never change that part of me. I’m half verging on going to buy those painkillers I used to be hooked on. It’s difficult when I go near pharmacies because I haven’t been off of them long enough not to feel the temptation. 3 weeks I’ve gone without them now. I have to be off of them for longer because I need to see if they were causing me certain issues. There’s only so long that I can abuse my body before it finally tells me to go screw my self. I took them for many years on and off. I’m just so tired and it doesn’t help when I’m woken up by dreams. It gets so stressful being able to feel things. I never get a break. It’s a constant 14/7 sensory overload. Even worse I’ve just gone down the alcohol isle of the supermarket thinking of the option of blocking everything out by numbing it with alcohol. I still feel it so there is no point.