There is only so much I can distract myself.

I’m not over my ocd problems. I feel held up against a wall because society doesn’t know that it makes me physically ill trying to not let them out. Sanctions don’t work. Punishment doesn’t work in general. It isn’t fair to punish someone basically for an illness or any act that they were pushed to do after being treated horrendously. I need the other party to take off the order. It’s not even a want. I can’t do each day the way things stand any longer. It feels like I’m being held against the wall and being expected to not do things which in turn is making me depressed because I constantly have to fight my brain not to ocd. This isn’t the right way to reach an objective. Orders are punitive. I have pda which means punitive is going to cause me extreme damage. It already has caused depression and extreme anxiety. I can’t live in that hell anymore. I reacted to circumstances but now this has become more about the other person getting their own way, no one has even considered the impact of this life punishment on me. If the other person can’t see it then they don’t  understand my form of autism and how the strategies they’ve used has actually made my life unbearable. It takes one application to the court to remove this torture which is unfair on me. Pda means this hanging there is like a knife metaphorically towards me. I’m a disabled person and they are punishing me for my disability. If any of you that have judged me actually bothered to understand my disability properly then you would see how much I need it removed. It’s destroying my life. A pda brain isn’t like a normal brain so this is the equivalent to torture towards me.