More Progress… well, just.

I wasn’t up most of the day because I was resting. I wasn’t even asleep but I just felt like resting and it’s okay with it being a Sunday. I have a busy day tomorrow anyway so making the most of it while I can. I have a whole list of things that I have to do tomorrow. But at least not having college this week gives me more time to get them all done. Some housework, order some more medication as I’m about to run out, revising for exams etc. I am running out of things so will have to go supermarket at some point tomorrow. I’m hoping the snow isn’t still here because it was bad enough driving home in it tonight. I couldn’t even get into my flats car park when I got home because all the spaces were full. I may or may not go the gym tomorrow haven’t decided whether I am or not yet.

I can now just about comfortably fit into the size 10 jeans I bought before Christmas. They feel tight but half an inch more weight loss will mean I’m officially a size 10 again. Size 12 is too big for me now. I’m glad I can finally fit into them because I didn’t want to sell them as I absolutely loved the embroidery designs down the legs. I’m finally becoming a proper female. I never absolutely loved a piece of clothing before. I’m actually starting to accept my curvy parts now. They do look better toned though. 

I had a really random dream earlier. I won’t go into details but I want to say something which is quite important in general. I have to cover this somehow without giving away details of the dream which is quite hard. I don’t want anyone judging me in comparison with someone they previously knew years ago. I’m nothing like them. I have no malice in me whatsoever. I was pushed very far in all directions to say the things I said. Those things were said in meltdown mode. I’m not the same as that other person that another person is comparing me with. I am aware that we do easily compare our past experiences with current ones. That is the reason why I’ve never been into having a serious relationship. The other person may not even be aware they’ve judged me on a previous experience with another because sometimes we do it subconsciously. I don’t want to keep being punished or never be forgiven because of scars left on another person due to someone else. I’m not an awful person like the other person. It isn’t fair to look at me the same. I’d never be physically violent even in a meltdown. I may say a lot of awful stuff but if I’d been listened to at the time when I was trying to others I couldn’t take anymore then the meltdown wouldn’t have happened. I can’t say any more without giving details of the dream. But it isn’t fair to make me suffer because the other person in the past. I could never hurt another and my meltdowns were because I was being failed by services and everyone around me. If it wasn’t affecting me then I wouldn’t be bothered but I’m starting to hate myself due to things that have happened. It’s already made me so depressed I hate getting up during the day. I can’t help being sensitive because that is who I am. I have paid for what happened several times over. I can’t change my disability but I’m making progress. I know I’m a freak but I’m a lovable freak. The real none meltdown me is a nice person. I’m not the other person.