I know that I’ve stated I’m tired of everything many times but this feeling is getting unbearable now. I wake up every day hating getting out of bed. Every day apart from two days I stayed in bed until 4pm ish this last week. I literally have a headache which I know is stress related. I’m stressed having to live under these circumstances. There is absolutely no set date to them and I’m at the level where it’s making me ill because I’m having to internalise everything. That’s giving me horrible nightmares even on my medication now. I’ve been driven to end up like this because of others not taking my limitations into account which are caused by my disability. I can’t chose whether to ‘lose my disability’. I can withhold it for many many months and then it builds up to the point where internalising everything (counselling wouldn’t help because it’s still holding back on things that come natural to me) causes me major depression and illness. I’ve tried to explain that several times. I don’t have a choice in these affects. It doesn’t matter how much I care about another, my disability will surface eventually. All I’ve ever asked is for some understanding and to meet half way but the system refuses to make life easier for people like myself.
As I said the other day, the system could allow certain ways to help us but it’s a refusal on their part to do so because of a mixture of overcautioness and ignorance. Anything to do with mental health problems equals a potential danger. If I was a danger after the way the system has treated me I have never gone and physically attacked anyone. This shows I am not a danger. The system has driven those that are actually dangerous to carry out awful things such as murder. I’ve been pushed pushed pushed and only said something horrible that I’ve regretted. I don’t deserve to be punished any longer because I reacted to how awfully I was treated.
I have an absolute dread feeling every single night because I hate the thought of another day so much. I hate this existence so much and if I didn’t have this disability then I could go out there to change the status of living on my own. I want to settle down now but I can’t because of my disability and my experiences given to me. I can’t trust another person because I’m petrified that they will turn on me at some point. That has happened to me so many times I’m put off relationships or friendships. I just want someone I can like who accepts me for who I am rather than trying to sanction me for things I cannot help. I don’t want to be with someone who is on the spectrum and this makes me just as bad. If I’m with someone who isn’t on the spectrum then I feel that I can grow socially progressively after being with that person a while. If I go out with someone that is on the spectrum or has learning disability then I don’t feel like it gives me any capacity to grow socially. If anything I might pick up more bad habits. I’ve had many people tell me that I need a best friend or a husband that creates some stability in my life. Someone that I’m close to that can walk in to solve the conflicts I get myself into by accident. I do feel that they’re right. I’m not the type to think that I must get married ASAP as I approach 30 and pop a few kids out. But those people that told me that do have a point. I’ve never been fortunate to have that kind of background but it’s something that could help me. I’m opinionated. I am not afraid to disagree with others which does get you into a lot of a disagreements. I can’t just go out there and make close friends because I screw it up as I don’t have the ability to play things cool and see how things develop over time. I’m a let’s get that right now person. I don’t really have close friends because those I like I scare away and those I’m not so keen on remain acquaintances only. I don’t like any of my male or female friends in the way that I need to in order to make steps toward settling down.