Anxiety sent through the roof today.

Those of you who know me in offline life will most likely be aware that the things I’ve been through affects me quite badly at times. I logically know that police officers will from time to time go to meet with probation officers. I don’t have my logical brain when I go into extreme fear mode, I only calmed down when my probation officer text back informing me not to worry it wasn’t about me or anyone at that group. I fear those that have the attitude as I know this police officer has because I’ve had dealings with them. You know there is something really intense going on in regards to your anxiety when your reaction is to bite your nails until they’re sore. I literally can barely touch anything without feeling sore now. Here’s the damage (and it’s even worse that I just ripped off my nails that were growing well and now they will all take months to repair):

 

 

I can’t help the way I feel. As I’ve said before on here. That isn’t a choice and I hate how everything has left me so fearful of things that I wouldn’t really have noticed before. I know that I have PTSD symptoms because  that was the same officer that picked me up after I missed court and then I had to stay in the cell until the next day when the court could fit my case in. That isn’t the first time I’ve been in a cell but it is the most recent time. I have nightmares about being in one time and time again. That is quite distressing for me. I am aware that others do not understand what they do to someone who suffers with a disability. I’m trying to highlight it. I don’t want to say this to make anyone else feel bad for the past etc. It is how it is, and it went how it went. None of us can change what happened but we can make sure it isn’t this way forever. I always wanted a friend and the Mum I’d have liked. I never understood that I couldn’t combine the two because it isn’t how it works. I didn’t not understand on purpose. We had to make comments about each other (limited to positive only) in the group. The ones I received was quite sweet, one said  ‘I love her innocent lovely nature’ , ‘got a good heart’ and ‘total innocence. kind’. The two that commented about the innocence have known me for the whole of the last group and this one. They’ve got to know me and see that I’m not as I have been painted. I will always be slightly childlike because I innocently come out with things that I don’t understand which sound a bit wrong to another person. We’ve all spoken about our offending behaviour and it’s helped me mature because I finally felt that I could connect with other females. It’s always been something I’ve wanted to do but I just couldn’t do it. I have learned how not to clash with other females because it’s always been like that. I’ve always felt like I was in some sort of competition with others of the same sex. I always felt that I have something to prove which is how it led me to over playing things. It wasn’t even a choice but I knew nothing else so I just did things that way.

I’ve been affected badly by what has happened, more than others could ever understand. I’ve had others make ridiculous judgements about things they didn’t understand and I cannot tell them that they are out of order because they have a right to have their own opinions and beliefs. It doesn’t make them right but others see things how they see it. I hope that one day others will see how they’ve wrongly perceived me and change the things I’d like changing. Until that day I have to live this way with the affects that it’s left me and that is going to be difficult because I’m scared of everything and everybody. I only feel safe when I’m in my home away from everything and there are even times when I get the unsafe feeling there. It would help me settle if things changed because that would get rid of the part of me that feels hated by others. I know it’s a huge thing to ask but I really need forgiveness because that would settle me down quite a bit. Things went on for a very long time that should have been over a few years ago. I know that it would have all been over by now if I’d stuck to the first order. But I need others to understand that I was still in a huge state after losing my son to adoption then and my ocd side was way out of control. I never did anything on purpose. I know I’m probably as good as talking to a brick wall because no one has listened yet. I’m being truthful and completely honest. A person can’t do any more good than that. I’ve kept away because my ocd side allows me to now and I care about others, but I cannot hide the fact that it’s caused me a lot of damage. I can’t deny the fact that it affects me regularly because I don’t want things to always be the way they are due to the fact that it makes me hate myself for problems I couldn’t help at that time.