I don’t even want to get up anymore.

I have got to the point where I cannot even face getting up and living the reality as it currently is. I can’t do lies and to me it seems like a complete lie because I’m having to constantly pretend that things being left the way that they are don’t bug me. If I break anything then I will get sent to prison. It’s wrong. I was born with a disability and it’s not my fault that others can’t comprehend it enough to accept it. I’m exhausted from holding back how I really feel because legally I’m forced into a corner.

My rights as an adult with a disability have been denied by society and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish that we got the same understanding as those with physical disabilities. I’ve even had people that are disability rights campaigners tell me that I’m not really disabled because I didn’t fit to the checklist of Asperger’s syndrome. This is another reason why I’m pushing for a  PDA diagnosis because the majority of that list is completely me. These people call themselves disability activists etc but when it comes to none physical conditions they quite honestly do not do enough. It’s all about access for physically disabled people with them.

I’m getting more and more mentally distressed over having to live with the way things are and it’s slowly destroying me. I’m finding it harder to do every day things because I’m exhausted fighting how I truly feel which I’m not allowed to show. And it’s tearing me apart. I cannot function so it’s not fair to leave things like this. It is totally morally wrong to continue to punish me now for what I said in anger a few years ago. It’s plain and simply punishing me for my disability traits over and over again. Someone that couldn’t walk wouldn’t want to be told that if they didn’t walk to a certain spot then they would get treated badly. It sounds horrendous when put like that. But this is what has technically been done to me. At the time I was pushed into a meltdown due to circumstances and said the first awful thing that popped into my head when angry. I couldn’t get rid of my ocd emailing for a long time.

Both of those things were part of my illness but those continuing to punish me for it have absolutely no understanding at all. If they had at least some they’d know how deeply affected I will continue to be why certain things I no longer deserve is in place. I cannot live my life on a daily basis why things are as it stands. I don’t go out socially and I’m finding it so hard that I’m close to quitting my manager job and all my studies. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m finding it too difficult to contend with the exhaustion that I get trying to cope with how things stand and process everything else too.