How things affect me.

I’m finding things quite hard right now. I cannot concentrate on anything because my head just isn’t present half of the time. I don’t want to sound like a sensitive loser here. But to those of you who have absolutely no understanding of PDA, this is how I may look. I’m used to looking like a fool so I will just go ahead with it. I react strongly to things because I feel things a lot more intensely than it seems the average person does. I can take someone else’s reactions to me quite personally. I have drilled it into me that I’m an awful person. This is from years of being punished for the affects of what I now know are caused by PDA. I still hate myself for all the things I’ve done because I didn’t understand how to make friends or be social the right way.

I know it isn’t entirely my fault but others have made me feel that it is. I then start feeling responsible for being born with PDA. I start to think that it is a choice when I logically know that it isn’t. I spend my time feeling constantly guilty and an awful person for the things that I’ve done. I know I can’t undo them regardless of how much I’ve matured. Maturity still hasn’t got rid of my PDA side. I still react strongly to minor things because I live my whole life constantly anxious. If my anxiety hits the roof after something upsets me then I over react. I may tone down what I may say in anger now due to negative experiences, but I’ll never get rid of it.

I feel like I’ve been left in a terrible position, as if I am in limbo with the outstanding order being indefinite. Things are just stagnating and I’m continuing to have to deal with these constant awful feelings that come from it being that way. I don’t want to upset the other person involved by accident any further, but I also can’t live like this when I feel hate for myself on a daily basis because of how things stay. Approximately 4 months ago, I tried to take my own life over it all because everything was too intense for me to bare. I hated myself for the things I’d said to the other person in anger. I couldn’t deal with that pain that I’d hurt someone I cared about in anger. I would never physically hurt another person. I may have had a mouth on me when I was upset at how I was treated, but I didn’t do that on purpose. I was pushed extremely far to say what I ended up saying. PDA means that things won’t stop going through a persons thoughts until things sort themselves out. The way it is means it never will and that kind of repetitive thinking could be responsible for me being exhausted the majority of the time. I’m a weakling, I could never hurt another, no one needs to be protected from me. PDA is a rare part of the Autistic Spectrum. Therefore it is extremely misunderstood by society. Many of us have been diagnosed with other forms within the spectrum, eg. Asperger Syndrome. However, most of us that later find out that we are most likely PDA have never truly felt like we belonged under the initial diagnosis which we were given previously.

I have no problem with speaking about what it is like to have this rare form of Autism once I officially get my diagnosis. I think it is quite important that those of us which have already grown up speak about our experiences. It will hopefully stop the next generations from having to go through some of those things. In the next 30 years, I would like to see barely anyone with the PDA type of Autism going through the criminal justice system. I don’t want the children growing up with it now or in future generations to be labelled like myself. If we are open and honest about how things affect us then society can find a way around negatively labelling individuals with the condition. I know that there are support mechanisms and therapies that are used for those with PDA which I cannot access until I get my official diagnosis through. I know that I will benefit being diagnosed because I can then access the treatments which aren’t available for other Autistic Spectrum Conditions.

I’m someone who doesn’t like unnecessary labels unless it is going to help me access support that I can’t get without it. The support available can be a post code lottery, but even if I can’t get it in this county (and I am already doubtful that it would be available here), I’m prepared to drive to another county to access it. I’m hoping that things happen sooner rather than later. I’m letting my mentor know that I’ve not had anyone get back to me after my enquiry a fortnight ago. I know already that I’m most likely going to have a fight with this area to get an official diagnosis. PDA has actually been suggested on my notes when I was a teenager. I think it would have been helpful to actually have been diagnosed in that category back then. This area would rather save money by labelling people with personality disorders knowing full well that they could get out of providing support for people because apparently there is nothing that can be done for personality disorders. I know for a fact that I’m PDA, not personality disordered. I know this because I feel overwhelmed due to getting sensory overloaded, the latter disorder doesn’t have those symptoms. In personality disorder a person has the understanding but just doesn’t use it. Whereas, I honestly can’t understand things which other people find quite simple. I also didn’t have much schooling and learned to speak through listening to song words. I now realise that song words aren’t always appropriate to repeat. I also didn’t crawl as a baby and just got up one day to walk at 18 months. Development issues don’t occur with personality disorder because it’s totally mental capacity rather than sensory, understanding and development delays.