I thought I’d write about this topic after a conversation I had earlier with someone younger than myself who hasn’t lost their naivety yet. I used to be like them but after my experiences I’m certainly not anymore. They were under the false impression that people will understand your condition if they explain it to them. I told them in no uncertain terms not to be open about it. I wouldn’t be if I had my time again. I’d try to blend in (I am entirely aware that it isn’t that easy). I just wouldn’t go broadcasting or opening up about my disability to everyone I met. Especially those I wanted to get to know and keep in my life. I know what it is like when you’re young.
I had the tendency to want to rush into relationships/friendships too, but look where this got me. Those of you who are ‘different’ may think that honesty is the best policy. However, believe me, in some cases it certainly isn’t. I would never encourage anyone to lie because I do not like that kind of behaviour… however, if you have a past full of skeletons in your closet, I would strongly recommend that you are indeed economic with the truth. It is imperative that you are at the beginning when you’ve just met some one. If someone doesn’t know you well and you’re talking about negative things from your past they are going to start to make assumptions. You have to let others get to know you first before you confide in them with any bits that aren’t so positive. I will never see or hear from someone I miss again because I let aspects of my disability out far too quickly. I couldn’t help it at the time but I still hate myself for not being able to reign it in. I wasn’t settled when I was younger. I’m able to at least do that now. I now know how to avoid things or people when my anxiety is at it’s most highest.
The harsh truth is that if you’re ‘different’ in this world there is a guarantee that you will get others judging you. There will be comments, assumptions and punishments from all sides if you are open about your condition. When those of you in the younger generation start to reach maturity then you’ll see certain things that you cannot now. I used to always want love etc because I thought that it was a need. I needed another person to make me feel like I was worth something. I no longer want love. I have grown up and realised that I truly don’t need anyone else. Those people that are in your lives won’t always be around. People die, break up, fall out and they’re gone. You have to have the ability to stand up on your own two feet. It can be difficult but I promise that you’ll make it one day. I haven’t made it yet but I’m working toward the things I need to get further in life. I’m not sure that I’m going to pass my Maths but I’m prepared to keep taking the exams until I do. I know that this is the only way that I can possibly do it because of the weakness that I have in Maths. I can only try to pass things. I refuse to get stressed over it because it isn’t everything.
And…one more thing. There comes a point in your life as a female when you just have to accept that your figure is changing. I have tried to return to my size 8-10 figure but I’m slowly getting wider so I’m heading for a size 12. I’m not quite at the point of accepting that my body is maturing and parts are getting larger, but I’m less stressed over it when I stand on the scales and see a disappointing set of numbers. I had someone tell me that it wasn’t so bad that I was changing shape because at least I wouldn’t be told I look a lot younger than my actual biological ages anymore. I’ve never felt so miserable than when I’ve been dieting. It isn’t very high on the scale of my priorities anymore. I don’t enjoy the Gym and it feels more like a chore than a pleasurable type of activity. I’m trying to go twice a week but only got there once last week. I have to feel motivated but most of the time it isn’t something that I enjoy… so I’m not.
I’m doing writing projects on the side as well as college work. I have a valentines love themed poem being published in what’s hot, London magazine at some point in February. Then the anthologies will hopefully be out by March. I wrote a story for the fiction anthology. I’m not up to doing anything like a book yet. I’d love to get paid for writing projects at some point. Especially if my benefits get dropped.