I know that this is going to sound ridiculous but sometimes I feel too anxious to be alive. That sounds stupid, but then I’ve never made any sense in the whole of my existence. I just constantly feel on edge and fearful around people. I don’t show it. If I didn’t have to go out at the moment I really wouldn’t. I can’t remember what it’s like to feel calm and relaxed. I’m constantly on the go trying not to think of anything. I’m beyond tired. I’m exhausted but only dragging myself out of bed because I know that if I don’t then I won’t pass the exams that I have coming up. I am trying not to burn out before them. I won’t even let people go near me without assuming their going to hurt me. I strictly won’t let another touch me, even a hug is way too far into my energy space. I get really snappy with others if they persist in coming closer than I feel comfortable. I would be having the kind of nightmares where others are attacking me or chasing me if it weren’t for my anti depressants. I don’t want to stay like this because I don’t go out socialising and I used to like going out to sing on karaoke etc. I haven’t sung for a year or maybe more. They’re things that you take for granted when you can do them.
I go out in public now and there are times when I just want to hide from people. There’s part of me that is always planning an escape route out of wherever I am. I don’t want to make others feel guilty. I can’t help how I’m affected and no one is really to blame for my reaction to it. I have no trust of other people at all. I can’t even trust them to be around me without thinking they’re going to harm me in some way. I don’t see myself ever getting rid of these feelings. I’m too tired to properly smile anymore. I desperately need a break from life in general but that is impossible. It’s getting harder to function on a daily basis. I wake up some days wishing I hadn’t woken up because every day is like climbing a huge mountain. I may appear to be content in some blog posts but I’m busy then so it’s not that intense. It is absolute hell feeling things so deeply. People have laid into me like aspects of my life is a choice. I’d love that to be the case.
I couldn’t help the mistakes that I did in the past. I was able to be pushed to the point of meltdown much easier when I was younger. The feeling of being not listened to and no one hearing me when I tried to explain my disability to avoid being punished for it were always major building blocks to a meltdown. I had one in front of the security personnel at the university when I was trying to explain that it wasn’t as easy as just not doing something that was part of my disability and the pressure they were putting on me added stress which was a trigger to my issues. It was like talking to brick walls which is why I ended up sending the things that I did in meltdown mode to the tutor involved. I hate myself for it. That adds to issues when you’re not in that mode anymore. I was visibly distressed so they could see what they were doing to me but added more and more pressure on me – this was before I got kicked out. I don’t deserve the sh*t I’ve got off of others because they really have no idea due to the fact that they weren’t there. Therefore they have no right to judge my reactions. I’m not an awful person. I cared about the person I laid into via email and I will always despise myself for the things I said. I tried to apologise but I was just hauled up for breaking the outstanding order and they then made it indefinite. I rip myself apart every day emotionally because of guilt. It’s not just guilt from one period of my life. The guilt of not being good enough. The guilt of feeling like the most evil person ever to exist.
I return home from being out there around people and I get so anxious thinking that I may have looked like a fool socially that day when dealing with other people. It’s hard to not feel that way. I can’t really access anything else to make these things better because it stems from my experiences and the aftermath of everything which has happened in my life. It’s built up and up after being let down time and time again. It comes from not really having anyone that I can depend on. And, originally comes from having a Mother that just wasn’t maternal. I was technically emotionally rejected from the day I was born. I’m exposed to my Mothers anger and bitterness on a regular basis. I just have built up a wall which is covered by this intense anxiety and fear of people there to protect me. If I don’t let anyone near me in any way then no one can hurt me. I’ve never had a romantic intimate relationship so I’m not going to feel like I’m missing something that I’ve never experienced. I’ve never wanted to date anyone anyway because I got used to being on my own and literally don’t need it.