I want to succeed but I’m wearing myself out!

I have tried so hard to do everything that I need to do in order to succeed in many aspects of my life. I am completely worn out. I feel frustrated with myself if I don’t push myself. I’m far from a lazy person. I don’t feel content if I’m doing nothing. I feel very ill right now. I have snappy nails even though I’m taking vitamins and using hand cream. I know that if I get through this part and I’m fitter after training at the Gym, I’m sure that I will feel better. I just have to push myself past that point which will reverse it. I’m exhausted mentally as well as physically but I never want to admit that I get so overwhelmed. I long for the energy I had a while back because now it’s just a struggle most days. 

I’m enjoying my new management position at the arts online project. I have managed to already break a few rules by accident. It’s difficult transitioning from just a feedback volunteer to a manager without slip ups like I wasn’t supposed to add members of the forum that added me. I had to delete them all. It was a genuine mistake though and I missed that part of the rules on the new volunteer page. I’ve done lots of feedback on the boards today. I’ve also done my maths paper because we were told that we had to do it by the next lesson (tomorrow). I went to college feeling ill this week because we are so close to exams I just want to practice these papers as much as possible (they go through them in class) and make sure that I pass level 1. I know that every step I take through the levels means I’m nearer to being able to retake my Maths GCSE and then finally that part is finally over. I will have to wait until September to retake my GCSE because I was told that I have to get the functional skills this academic year. I’m going to revise my distance GCSE as and when I get the chance. I do my management job three days a week. I log on and off of that when I am on the rota. I will get more tasks on there because we also train new volunteers and act as mentors to them after a while of being on there. I’m hoping that they give that kind of role in the summer because I won’t be studying then. I don’t want to let others down so I am pushing myself harder than I’ve ever done.

I washed my hair quite late tonight and now I wish that I didn’t. I just want to go to sleep but my hair is still wet. I live in a flat so I cannot use the hair dryer at half 1 in the morning because others are in bed in the surrounding flats. I washed it mainly to deep condition it afterwards as the weather and central heating was making it feel like it needed a deep condition. I ache from the Gym because my muscles are starting to complain about being used that much. I was on the wii fit earlier doing muscle exercises, running and step aerobics. It’s lucky I’m still willing to use it after saying my performance is like a 44 year olds. I went straight to the Gym after it told me that. I know that I have let myself down and that is a frustrating me. I stopped exercising for a while and overate sweet things due to depression.