I went to the Gym for 2 and a half hours tonight. I just felt awful after my wii fit console told me I’d gained another 2lbs. And, it was even worse when it did my body tests. The centre of gravity in how I stand is almost perfect now (means you evenly balance your weight between each leg. However, it presented me with a wii fit age of 44! I came up as 38 last week. I’m sure that after many weeks of training it will start to even out but it’s quite depressing at this moment in time. I’ve seen photos of people that have been doing the Gym stuff and general other active things for 6 to 12 months and they look brilliant. I then look down at my flabby stomach and just think it’s going to take a hell of a lot of effort to get my body like theirs. I can feel my muscles toning because they’re getting firmer. The bit you want to go firm and less flabby is always the last to change shape.
It’s only been two weeks (but it feels much longer right now) since I started going the Gym every few days. I don’t have the time to go every single day and that is not a good way to do it because your muscles aren’t getting a break. Then you get injured and can’t go to the Gym for a while so you get completely unfit again. I do still feel unfit but I can’t really tell the difference right now because I feel ill anyway. I’m desperately trying to get fit in order to strengthen myself up so that things I have wrong with me won’t get to be major issues. There is a reason I put the don’t try this at home in brackets in the title of this entry. It’s not a great idea that others should be copying. I have done this when I was younger therefore I know how far I can push myself. I probably push myself too far because I’ve always had a strong mind. I push myself in all the things that I do because it’s how I’ve always compensated for my weaknesses. I have severe phone anxiety but if I need to make an important call I can make myself do it. I’m quite used to the petrified feeling I get when I do make a call now. There’s always days when I simply can’t do it and those just happen at random. It isn’t something that I can predict but those that know me are aware I find making a phone call hard because it gives me major anxiety. They do not force me to do it if I can’t on a particular day.
I used to get quite severe social anxiety but that is getting slightly better now. I used to like parties and loads of people when I was younger living down south but now I’d rather stay at home than go to places with huge gatherings of people. I like music but I’ve never been to a proper concert. I’ve watched bands in pubs but never been to a proper live concert. I’d love to go to see Nightwish but I am just put off by huge crowds of people when it comes to concerts. It doesn’t look like they’re touring the UK this year apart from appearing at a festival. I’ve made myself get used to things, so if I really enjoyed something I’d somehow make myself less sensory crushed by everything. It seems a lifetime ago when I used to dress in emo type style and listen to bands such as My Chemical Romance. The album from them which came out when I was a teenager was good, ‘Welcome to the black parade’. It’s a huge effort in the morning to dress like that nowadays. I’m happy in a top and some jeans because it’s easy. I can’t see properly to put eyeliner on due to my lazy eye. I had a lot of practice at one time because as a teenager I regularly wore make up and my eye sight was better. I know that illness has really made me boring. That is why I’m fighting against it because I know if I strengthen myself up then it won’t get worse.
I desperately want to feel like the old me again with lots of energy and who can smile. I don’t smile a lot nowadays, in fact, I barely smile at all. I am always so exhausted which makes it hard to smile. I’ve been through a lot which has resulted in depression. That makes me feel low and sometimes I end up crying or, very occasionally nowadays, suicidal. I am aware that listening to dark songs from the likes of Nightwish doesn’t probably help but I like their music. I listen to pop stuff sometimes but I don’t like it. I don’t think that music should be manufactured. The days where everything was original and all bands had their unique sound were the best times. It all changed in the 90s and everything became carbon copy type industry music and then the ones that didn’t stick to that now get referred to as ‘alternative’ or ‘indie’. I just think the industry has completely lost it’s way because all chart music sounds the same nowadays. I’m talking like I’m quite old but 30 does feel like I’m now on the older scale. I feel twice my age right now because I’m not well and desperately trying to prove myself. I don’t want to let anyone down in my new management job on that creative project. I definitely don’t want to fail any of my exams.
I have early starts nearly every day this week. I have college Tuesday and Thursday and then my therapy group tomorrow (well today now because this is being posted very early morning). It’s only Monday and Friday I was able to get up later this week. I’m not a morning person. I wake up to my alarm and I press the snooze button several times. It’s more difficult getting up when it’s still dark. I don’t have much choice because of what time my Maths lesson’s start. I honestly can’t wait for the Summer when all my exams are complete.