Lack of sleep but doing better at my work.

I think that I only had 3 hours sleep last night… which I can remember. It seemed like it was morning so quickly. I was half asleep as I got ready this morning but I was woken up instantly when I walked out of the flat because it was very cold. I came out of college at mid day and it was still extremely cold! I was so glad to get in today because I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning. I felt extremely sick when I got up so I was close to having a sick day. I had stomach pains at college but kind of went to the toilet a lot to keep them bearable. I was always in class when the tutor was going through the question paper which is the main objective really. I did better than I thought. I got 33 out of 45 which in the proper exam would definitely be a pass. I know that I seem intelligent, however, up until a week ago I was really awful at a lot of it. I spend hours upon hours going through weak areas to be able to pass. I study the question papers and the way they allocate marks.

I may make it look effortless, however, I assure you that behind the scenes I struggle majorly on a daily basis. I’m a very stubborn person who doesn’t accept that certain tasks are difficult for me because of my learning disabilities and autism combined. I know that this probably confuses people which is why I get called negative things and people make inaccurate assumptions about my intentions. I would welcome anyone to live one day as me and then they’d see how frustrated I get with areas of skills I just don’t have and trying to compensate for them. And, others are completely wrong, I have empathy. I get overwhelmed by the pain and suffering I feel from others. That is something I am very fed up of people saying. I feel extremely guilty about my behaviours that upset others to the point where I felt so bad I tried to commit suicide. Those that have put me through the hell of the criminal justice system that has left me with lasting damage because of my autism and learning disabilities obviously have no empathy either. Especially since every time that it has happened to me I was victim of discrimination first. I am sorry but I had a limit to all I could take before I blew and messaged the wrong thing to someone else. In regards to empathy, I’d like to put you all in a hypothetical scenario that people like myself find themselves in a lot. Imagine if you are on a course that you’ve wanted to do (or it could be employment in some cases) and how you communicate is just who you are and you aren’t able to change that. However, you are then given a choice (well it isn’t really a choice because you know you’re going to fail because you do not have the ability to do one of those ‘choices’), either do as required or be rejected which means losing the opportunity that you’ve wanted for life. In the case of the journalism course this was my situation. I reacted so strongly because someone I thought I could trust betrayed me and I lost that opportunity that I’d always wanted.

As much as I cared about the other person, I was very upset because that was my one and only chance in my eyes. I didn’t mean anything that I said and it was mainly said to wind the other person up. I just picked something at random from a lecture and rolled with it. It was never meant to go as far as it did. It certainly wasn’t meant to go as far as an indefinite restraining order. And I’ve tried to apologise because I just want to be friends, or at the very most on a forgiveness level, and put the past in the past. I can be an awful person when I’m angry and anxious but that isn’t who I normally am. I can honestly say that if there was any investigation into the other person’s conduct I certainly wasn’t behind it. I never wanted that. I made it clear to my support and everyone around me I didn’t want them punished. I’ve heard bits and it seems that both me and the other person were played off against each other by a system that is based on conflict and covering up mishaps. I’m not having my character discredited and being blamed for things I did not do just because officials want to avoid responsibility for things they haven’t done properly. I’m not having someone else hating me/being scared of me and keeping an order on against me because I’m blamed for things the system decided to do which I strongly opposed. There is a lot that I want to say that I legally can’t, even though it is highly accurate in describing how my ‘support’ service operated. They went against my wishes several times. And staff relations were quite rocky as well, but I cannot go into that any further because I was told to be silent or face consequences. But what I’m really trying to get at is put yourselves in my position then you’ll be able to have empathy with my situation and my position.