I’m aware of what has been said behind my back over many years by other women on the spectrum. This means that I am no longer going to be campaigning for the Asperger’s acceptance cause. Intentional vindictive behaviour behind a persons back isn’t excusable. At least I owed up to anything bitchy I’ve ever done. Instead, I will be coming out as an individual on the spectrum using various talents which I have. And maintain the opinion and message that a diagnosis is only a label to name the set of symptoms that a person has. It is simply just an opinion. We don’t have to accept our diagnosis. I don’t want to be just a woman diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome or any other mental health label. I want to earn my right to be included rather than excluded. I want to be seen as a strong woman who fought off her issues and came out the other end with an identity I can be proud of instead of constant shame I feel because of others not understanding my issues. I do not want the label for life and as I’ve matured I really think I can mask into some form of normality. Even if I have to cover my social messes with humour so that others don’t get angry at me so often. Basically, I’m not helping others out anymore like I used to because they didn’t appreciate it obviously due to what I’ve heard. I’m going to live my life for myself.
I’ve had two people say to me that they don’t think I knew the other person like I thought that I did in the situation that happened at university and then trailed into the last 3 years. I felt more than I let on. I knew that they were cold. But that doesn’t mean in an awful way. I’m cold sometimes because it keeps me from getting involved in others life crisises. It’s a form of protection. And if the truth be told I think we were more similar than we both care to admit. I’m quite quiet and do not show the inner me because I have built walls due to my life experiences. But I can feel where we are similar and that is why we clashed. I changed when I had my son. I was very cold and lacked empathy before then. I’m again not saying that this is a negative thing. I don’t want to insult others by accident. I wouldn’t wish how much I feel things on anyone else now. I literally cry at anything to the point where it’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s hell. I feel suffering and pain around me because my empathy level rose quite high after having my son. I don’t get a lot of rest because of random stuff that comes to me and dreams I have. I wish that I was the way I used to be before having my son. Mother hormones are difficult, verging in hell to get used to and when you have your child taken from you it literally confuses your body because the reason those hormones are there is no longer there. I have no use for them. I was an awful mother because he never felt like mine due to post natal depression and the situation. I cared but I couldn’t show it. Caring comes out as anger because I can’t express it. It’s even worse when I’m anxious. But I’ve grown up being told by the system that I couldn’t express who I am. That wasn’t negotiable. It made me angry and trap all my emotions/feelings inside. It made me angry to express any feelings like caring etc. That leads to a lot of decisions being made in anger. Anyway, I’m not going into it fully, but I did feel who the other person was underneath. I’m not a judgemental person and I was actually attracted to what I felt. However, I must point out that I have always been attracted to dark things and danger. I’m also not saying that they were before others get upset with me.