I got my date through the post for my personal independence payment interview. It’s 20 miles away (40 miles there and back), but they’ve calculated on the expenses form the travel expenses of £2. I know for a fact that it is at least £10 worth of petrol for a round trip from my home to Coventry which is where the place I have to attend is located. That’s not taking into account the parking when I get there. I have no one to take with me any more and my anxiety gets so high going to places I’ve never been before. I make more than one trip over to the places I go just in case I get lost. I have to map it in my head so that I do not get lost because of anxiety distracting me. I literally had to stop and be sick on the way to my biology exams and the centre I went to for them were 27 miles away (54 miles round trip). I felt so awful when I threw up on the side of the country road. I did try to tidy it up afterward. Then when I finally got there (it was a good thing that I was at least half an hour early that morning) I had to go the toilet at least 3 times before my actual exam.
That is how severe my anxiety can actually get. Those that are not aware of the full affects that anxiety can have do not have any idea. They see it as just being scared. That isn’t accurate whatsoever. It has major physical effects which I’ve dealt with behind closed doors for many years. It’s not something that I’ve ever wanted to be open about but others need to understand that when I say that I’m scared, it’s more like a petrified feeling that makes me ill. I’m not just saying that I fear something awful may occur. I mean that I’m literally being ill because of that fear I’ve expressed to others. If others do not get it or even listen then I get up to the level of meltdown territory. This has happened in the past and that was my behaviour problems. I never explained how I felt to others because, until I met likeminded people that experienced anxiety so intensely it makes them ill, I though that I was being stupid. I thought that my reaction to stress was abnormal, which meant that I was weak. I was ashamed to admit that things could affect me so badly. However, I do feel that it was bought on by trauma of past experiences. Those that I’ve spoken to who also suffer very badly in this way have also been through traumatic events. It seems to me that this is how those things leave a person. I’ve spent half of my life having to be on my guard due to one reason or another.
There is another reason why I’m closing the ASSGO website when the domain subscription runs out in March. I am not the same person that I was when I started it, but there is more to it than that. ASSGO is linked with times I used to be involved in activism. That means somewhere in a government owned file it is linked to activist activities. I’m still activist minded but I’ve grown up now. Those things I got into trouble for as a youngster was activist things that went seriously wrong. I still am totally against some of the things that go on but I’m no longer doing activist stunts to put a stop to these things. I will still strongly oppose those things though. There will always be a bit of that side left in me. However, I do not talk to some of those involved in activism back in the day because on severa occasions those people pretended that they liked me to get me to help them. They used me and then ditched me. Those that were a lot older than me saw I was intelligent and kicked out of school so they abused those things. They dared me to do the things that I got hauled up in front of a judge for as a teenager. They said it would make me cool and popular. Well, I’ve grown up now and don’t want to be ‘cool’ or indeed ‘popular’ anymore. I just do not care about being ‘in’ with groups. I was naive until very recently and now I won’t do stupid or risky things for anybody. I was told that I was stupid the other day for worrying about someone that had got me into so much trouble recently. I can’t help it if I still care okay. I was nearly in tears hoping it wasn’t them involved in that crash. I turn my back on it all because I want a life. I’ve been denied so much.
The last thing I would like to touch on is some promotional things that is one of my voluntary jobs… alongside the management position at fledgelings (creative art nationwide mental health project) which I have decided to accept (no paid but it’s experience). I am promoting 3 anthologies by one million project. Thriller, Fantasy and Fiction. These are available to order as an ebook form from February 2018. All the proceeds go to cancer research and emmanus charity. I have contributed to the fiction anthology, but mine is based on true events. The names were changed and it shows how schools refer people with autism to the police hands behind closed doors. I had to fictionalise it to avoid legalities. I also did the illustration for the cover to my fiction short story part. It’s based on what I found out when I uncovered my records. After the ebook it should be available in print form at some point.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 