Progress :)

I normally wake up feeling like I haven’t slept. However, this morning, was the first time in a long time that I actually felt like I had slept properly. The light was off again when I woke up. That’s the second night in a row. I know that I didn’t turn it off myself. I don’t like waking up to a freezing cold flat. I rushed to put the heating on because the air felt like ice. I sleep with the electric blanket on this time of year. It’s not just because I hate the cold but I get clicky bones when it is cold so it stops them doing it.

I did say that I’ve suddenly got old and even the wii fit thing picked it up on the tests that I did on there. I’ve just turned 30 and it’s bringing up 38. It completely shattered any confidence that I had when my character got more rounded and the bmi thing came up as overweight. It is only slightly over what it should be for my height etc. It still confirms my fears that over the last year I wasn’t imagining the changes I was feeling because they are now starting to show. I think it was slightly going that way before but not as noticeable. I’m sure that having my son didn’t do me any good. I think it caused me damage because I haven’t felt the same since. The emotions involved when he was put for adoption against my wishes also wasn’t helpful. I feel weak nowadays. That isn’t something I used to feel ever. I used to have the ability to just get up and do things but it’s a struggle now. I just feel drained of any strength which I used to have. I can get strength but it’s in short bursts and that is why I’ve had naps in the day for over a year now.

I didn’t have a nap yesterday afternoon because I was trying to return to the things I used to do. I had a long walk instead. I was that fatigued later in the evening that I was unable to think straight and felt myself falling asleep. I lose my memory when I do push myself hard, like the other day when I got up early, went the Gym before the hairdressers and then forgot my bank card pin. I remember it now but I was feeling quite strained which is always when I forget things.

I plan to go the Gym today before going out for Sunday lunch. I’m hoping that it doesn’t affect my memory again because it is annoying. I used to have a very good memory. It is probably for the best in regards to getting over my past. The things I don’t remember can no longer damage me now. I’ve been a lot more chilled since I’ve started forgetting things. I worry a lot less because I can’t remember the things that make me worry. I can relax a lot more. It’s not a good thing because it’s causing me challenges in other ways.