I’m not sure if I should be proud of the fact that I managed to do college after only managing to actually sleep for 45 minutes last night/early this morning or not. I’m durr brained a lot in regards to my memory anyway, but today I think it’s more about not having had much sleep. I used to remember names so well but today I went to tag someone on fb and I literally couldn’t think of their name for 5 minutes. I see posts from those on my friends list all the time so I shouldn’t forget their names. I have started to make jokes about my memory loss because it’s less scary for me and it makes others feel less awkward when it happens.
I can use the terminology to describe most of the things my mind wants to do without me having any control. For example, ‘my brain has just gone and done one’ (meaning it’s functioning has gone skewwhiff at random). I’ve learned to make humour out of living with these types of issues. I never used to be able to do that because I was always uptight about it making me somehow defective beyond being able to function ‘normally’. I’ve learned that the only way to put others at ease and try to not produce a fear reaction in them is to use humour. I no longer fear my own mind because I’m too stubborn for it to ever win. I let it win when I was in a bad way but now I’m getting over things that have happened then I’m starting to get my strong mind back.
There are always going to be times when I do get extremely low and definitely not want to be humourous whatsoever. I’ve not met one person in this life who has been happy all the time. I don’t put a smile on all the time anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m always happy – it simply means that I am realistic and reserve my smiles for only moments when they are required. I’m starting to sound like a robot. That is what happens when you decide to study law as a GCSE subject. Then also studying Maths up to GCSE level means my brain is constantly doing logical workings and using terminology that is quite technical. It’s changing my brain structure in regards to how it processes and uses language.
I miss the creative things that I used to do which suited my brain a lot better. I realise that even more when I make a mini wreath out of wire wrap and use alphabet beads to intertwine the word ‘peace’ within it (it’s on my personal fb, not my work one if you want to see what it looks like). I made it for a friends mothers funeral. I dropped it off today while I was in the city. I’d love to make bits and sell them as a part time little extra money making thing. It’s always been one of those things that has been in the back of my mind and I have just never ventured into reality with the idea. There’s another really random way off pipe dream that I have which is to design my own fashion label. I cannot make clothes though so I’d have to team up with someone that has those skills. I can come up with designs. I’m just not going to put them on the internet though because I don’t want others stealing my ideas. I just have to get the boring education things out the way before venturing into these kinds of things because it takes a lot of skill building time to perfect things that could potentially be sold.
I have found that since I’ve started being more ‘open’ about who I am underneath the shyness and fear of letting people know what I’m into and my various hidden skills, others are somewhat surprised. I am somewhat of a dark horse because I keep a lot of myself hidden out of fear. I have confidence issues and I do not believe in myself, so I therefore never show what abilities I have. I lose my confidence so easily that it is hard to keep showing any abilities on a constant basis. I seem to let my talents shine on a ‘flash in the pan’ basis. That is because I’ve grown up believing that I’m not talented and that I have no abilities that will help me excel in life.
I let my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis get to me too much. I let it define me. But, that isn’t me now. I do not care about the label. That is all that it is to me nowadays. I am Em, and I define myself as the title of this blog. That is who I am and my type of personality. It’s taken me a long time to become a person with an identity. I never felt like a person with an identity before. This is all due to the things that have happened. Even though some things were absolutely awful to experience, I’ve found who I am through the painful times. There were parts of me that I ran from, but they were the things that sprung up time and time again in front of me so that eventually I had to face them. In some cases, it wasn’t even me but others that I came into contact with that made me realise I had to accept that side of me. For example, the potential that I could be gay (I don’t like the label lesbian because it just sounds harsh) I was made to face because I came into contact with situations involving those that were gay. It was like fate was throwing it in my face to make me consider things I was blatantly denying in myself which was causing me problems.
I know that my Father wouldn’t be happy if I decided to settle down with another female but I’m not going to live in denial and end up living a lie because that will make me miserable. Those that were gay back when it was illegal who tried to do that have openly admitted that it made them miserable. I still don’t think I have a soul mate, but if I do, it could very well be another female. If that is what is meant to be, then living a lie will stop me from meeting them. Right now, I’m not interested in dating because when I am looking for a relationship I will be looking at it in a view to settling down long term. I need that grounding influence because my life has been quite unsettled.