I can’t sleep and I’m fed up.

I’ve been revising my college work all night because I’m just fed up and I’m not able to sleep. I don’t want to be stuck in this position with the order any longer. It isn’t fair and it was never fair to begin with whatsoever. I deserve forgiveness. I have been punished for long enough. I cannot rest or live up to my full potential without the one I truly  want in my life. I just want to be friends rather than as things stand. I may like the other person but I am too embarrassed to go there with anyone. I lack experience and it would make me look a fool.

Anyway they never would fancy me so that would be out of the question. I need them to reconsider. It isn’t even just a want. It is destroying me like this. It is a need when you feel so stuck in a situation you don’t want that you literally feel like chucking yourself in front of a car. I feel everything so strongly and there are times I just wanted to switch it off. People associated with the other person has to stop stirring things because we have to sort it out without others stating their opinions or making further untrue accusations about me. I haven’t lied about anything or the other person so quit trying to make things irreparable. I only have true decent feelings for the other person, your bulls*t is wanted or needed here. The other person should ignore you and she you all as the sh*tstirrers you are. I’ve made this huge public step by saying I want to be with them. I’ve never met someone in my life that I’ve ever truly felt that way about. I don’t expect her to act like a mother because of the age gap. That isn’t how I see them regardless of the small minded assumptions others may make. I need this situation over and I would like to be with them as a friend at first. I am not ready to go fast in regards to serious relationships because, as I said, I am not experienced and I have to make sure I am sure I can trust them before getting serious. I’m not saying that is going to be easy after everything, one step at a time. First step is them removing the order.