Been awake far too long, but been busy so couldn’t sleep :(

I just would like to say that I was sleep deprived last night. I’m quite embarrassed that in the last entry I admitted that I wanted to be with someone. I really don’t feel like that anymore. I’m just upset. I cannot get over things when the past is keeping me awake. I don’t want to spend my life with the other person, but I just do not want things to be the way they are long term. I don’t feel very well and lack of sleep combined is messing with my mind. I feel overwhelmed by going out at the moment. I’ve tried to do my college work but I am really afraid that I’m going to fail Maths. It’s just not my kind of subject. That is why I’ve closed A.S.S.G.O (well it’s as good as closed, it’s domain name isn’t being renewed).

I’m going to make the blog into a thing. I’m also joining with other mental health organisations as I’ve been approached to be a manager at a mental health creative art organisation. I haven’t agreed to it and I told them most likely due to exams etc it won’t be this year that I say yes to the role. It’s totally voluntary, just like my role at the moment as board reviewer. The founder of the organisation said she likes my attitude to promoting better mental health awareness and my feedback on the boards are good too. I’m falling back into the media sort of work again. I am technically trained in it because of my btec national in media production, but I wanted to try a new direction. However, I keep returning to this kind of work like it is just ‘meant to be’. Even though it is hard working in this field because there are bits of it that really remind me of the person I said that I missed last night when I was in a sleep deprived state (I literally haven’t slept so I’m still in that state technically, however I’ve had time to think about what I really want).

They inspired me a lot, but I do not want to be with them. I’d like to be on positive terms with them but I can’t make them forgive me and drop the order. I’m not the same person that I used to be. I have grown up quite a bit. If I hadn’t grown up then I’d still be hell bent on changing my career plan from media based industry because of how what happened with the other person still hurts me. I know that it isn’t possible to do that in life now I’ve grown up. I trained in this media stuff up to a certain level and there is nothing that should prevent me from continuing in this field. I have to be grown up about it and stick to what I’m reasonable at instead of trying something completely new which is alien to me.

In all honesty, over the past few days I’ve started letting go of that hurt that has felt like a knife stabbing at me for the past few years. I couldn’t do that when I was younger. And it’s taken me getting ill to realise that holding onto something that was doomed to fail by every single circumstance around me at that time is a waste of energy. I don’t have a lot of energy to spare anyway most of the time. If the other person never wants to speak to me ever again (like I have heard) then I will let them go because it shows that I care. If I kept wanting them to be my friend some day, then this would be totally selfish. I wouldn’t think that if I hadn’t grown up. I’ve finally accepted it and that is difficult for someone who is born on the Scorpio zodiac anyway because it’s normally impossible for them to let go of any hurt. The term I won’t forgive until hell freezes over describes that kind of thing completely. There comes a point in life where you just think screw it as trying to make others accept your point of view and do what I need is just going to make them more resistant because it’s like pushing them to agree.

I’m more of an offline kind of person now. I do come online but mostly just to work on here instead of socialise. I class posting activist type posts as work too because it is like working for the good of the causes in the world really. I’m not just a keyboard activist, I will also go out there to promote causes too. I used to have a vegan friend who was very passionate about that lifestyle and used to always give everyone a lecture about how eating me was a bad choice etc. I’m now vegetarian but I wasn’t when they used to lecture us about being meat eaters. I made that choice myself because I got to a stage of my life where I couldn’t stand cruelty and suffering. It’s just not something I feel comfortable about anymore. I never really thought about it until I had my son and then I looked at the world differently. I got emotional about stuff and much more passionate about causes I believed in. I never used to be the type to get into arguments about things that I believed in but I just have to put the ignorant straight now, it’s like another type of ocd. I see and feel a lot more than the average person. I don’t think I’m making any sense here so I am going to have a little nap, well at least try.