I haven’t slept all night. I’m not happy because I’m just fed up of not being good enough for others. I work so hard, however, it means absolutely nothing to others. Even when I don’t do anything wrong I still get attacked. The week before Christmas a friend of mine argued with a older couple in the supermarket car park, but they smashed my cars rear bumper. I now have a hole in it which can only be fixed by a new bumper that is going to cost me a few hundred quid to buy it and have it fitted. I already have £270 worth of body work damage on the front because of the accident in the snow, which technically wasn’t my fault due to the fact that in legal terms the guy drove into me. They obviously won’t come forward because putting anything through the insurance makes everyone involved have to pay more when it comes up for renewal.
The fact that I also wouldn’t have been out that night if it hadn’t been due to sorting my mother’s phone line out. I try to do good things for others (despite how ungrateful my mother can be towards me) and it’s like fate wants to constantly swing against me. I’m completely fed up of being destined to meeting others that don’t give a crap about me. I’m destined to remain unloved for the rest of my life. Is it too much to ask to have someone else look out and support me for once? I constantly feel like I’m alone trying to do life. Everyone I care about leaves me because they don’t understand me. It’s like I have such bad karma from a previous life that this one is a living hell! None of you can see how I’m struggling right now. I’m unable to rely on anybody and no one seems to appreciate anything I do to help them. I have such dry hair due to extreme stress (it’s splitting so it’s getting really knotted) and my anxiety has been through the roof since the snow accident. It doesn’t matter what I do, even good things mean awful things still happen to me more than the average person.
I’m exhausted because my sleep pattern is so up and down. I can’t rest properly because nightmares about my past wake me up. It would be nice to meet someone who could actually look after me. I am independent but after everything that has gone on I am broken and I never seem to get anything done because my sleep is not consistent and when I get so tired then I just fall asleep whether it’s day or night. I meant every single word when I said I’d not be able to sleep if the order remained in force etc. It’s not about wanting to even talk to the other person again. It’s how it makes me feel. Must I pay for words said in anger and being emotional about getting kicked out of university/feeling betrayed long term to a lifetime? That isn’t fair. If I’m making an effort to ‘become normal’ by going on all those probation courses to show a commitment to changing, them don’t I deserve some kind of meet me half way act? I’m trying my best but it won’t ever be good enough for others because they literally expect me to ‘fake normal’ when it’s absolutely alien and not comfortable to me.