Depressed more than I ever have been.

I am too depressed to care about the past now okay. Others can have things however they wish because I’m absolutely done trying to fight assumptions and other people’s opinions. I just desire proper sleep which I haven’t had in years because of things that have happened. I just want to be alone and that is something I thought I would never want. I’m sorry but I no longer have faith in human nature.

I’m hoping that my medication works and I can at least get a few hours sleep today. At least I won’t feel tired and depressed when I wake up. Even though I’m more depressed than I ever have been, I won’t ask for anyone to help me this time.

I hate the stigma attached to it because others either treat you as a potential danger or talk to you in a manner which implies that they think you’re thick or delicate. I’m certainly not delicate as I’ve been through a lot in my life that all together would be too much for a not strong willed person. Or continually think you’re going to commit suicide so they send the police to your door regularly. I associate asking for help with always receiving punishment. It’s always meant losing something or someone and this time I feel safer on my own keeping it away from so called help services. The so called help services normally make it worse and add to depression and isolation.

I just need sleep and I will wake up feeling a little less depressed and hopefully naturally come out the other end as I am on anti depressants so technically I should feel better at some point. They don’t change life though and that is what is causing the worse depression I’ve ever had. Even through some quite horrendous times I’ve managed to put on a smile in every day life. I can no longer mask that inner sadness caused by things that happened to me. And, as I said before, none of you actually know my full life because I’ve never allowed anyone to know everything. I am open about my autism traits but none of you know what happened to me to make them manifest as they did. So, no one has the right to judge me. I may seem open but I really don’t trust anyone. As far as I’m concerned every person around me has the potential to shove a knife in my back when I least expect it. Not literally obviously, but basically betray me.

 It’s horrible because I do need love and to feel cared about but I just can’t bring myself to ever let another gain my trust ever again because even if I don’t get hurt, they may humiliate me like the bullies did at school. And it wasn’t just the other students, it was also the teachers that treated me like the freak too. That is why I say that no one knows every historical aspect of my life. There may have been gossip and assumptions but I can assure others that the full stories weren’t anything like those versions.