I am aware that this may sound a little extreme to those reading this entry. It is not an option that I’d like to take if at all possible. However, I will always be judged and treated negatively if I don’t take the extreme option. I don’t see any other way to be able to leave my past behind. I realise now that I cannot be open about my mistakes and parts of my negative behaviour issues. It is now out there and cannot be taken back, therefore I don’t particularly have any other option. I was plastered all over the front of the local newspaper when I was 18 because people didn’t understand me. There’s absolutely no way that I could ever have had a future here after that. And, as far as me falling for an ex-journalist and telling them things about myself was definitely not a good idea. They’d have found out about my past etc, that is what Journalists do. There was no way they’d ever have liked me as a friend even if things hadn’t gone how they did and me retaliating in that way.
This option suits everyone and gets me away from everything that is continuing to emotionally hurt me. I’m never going to progress with the identity that I was born with. I messed it up from a young age and was far too honest with those around me. I will never have a chance if I don’t go on some kind of resettlement/new identity programme. There have been killers and sex offenders which have had complete makeovers including plastic surgery. They’ve done a lot worse than me. The face I was always bullied for having could be fixed. The big nose that I was born with could be remodeled. There is always a deed poll option but having it all done officially means all my documents (eg. certificates etc) can be automatically updated free of charge as part of the process. There’s also no point in changing your name unless you’re going to be offered plastic surgery to actually make you not anything like your former image. This is my only option because even if I do completely change, others will always make it impossible for me to be included. That is all I want and I can already no longer socialise because I’m too afraid of being judged for my mistakes in the past. This may be the best decision I have made, I just need to be able to sell it as my only viable option to my probation officer for my long-term plan. I could still do the ex-offenders work placement in the short term option and the ex-offender mentor idea. But, after that, I’ve never be able to start again and move on unless I was given a completely new identity and relocated.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 