I feel guilty enough and awful for things that happened every single day of my life. This is without others having tried to lay on how utterly vile things I said was when I was angry about places kicking me out for my disability traits. I hate myself completely.
And I’m torn between saying it couldn’t be helped at that time because of my disability and trauma I had only just experienced in my life and feeling evil to the core. I am badly affected by what happened. I’ve learned my lesson because I’ve matured. But, it still hurts. I just always think that if I’d not had my disability problems then the person I wanted as a friend in my life wouldn’t have rejected me. If I was ‘normal’ I’d never have lost anyone in my life. I mean through fall outs, not death etc. And then I hate myself even more for being born with a brain that malfunctions. I am starting to absolutely despise myself. It would help me so much if legally things could be repaired, but I won’t ever get that due to the major fact that I’m used to other people not being kind and thinking about my needs. It’s never happened so it most likely won’t start now. I do care but my damn disability prevents me from showing it. I will always care. But it literally puts a huge strain on my brain having an order in force where my ocd can’t even kick off a little bit without landing me in court and prison.
I swear it’s part of my exhaustion because it takes up all my effort to keep to it. I’m being forced to go against my condition and it’s literally causing me extreme stress stopping my brain wanting to ocd all the time. The less a brain carries out a ocd behaviour, the stronger the impulses to do that behaviour becomes and holding it in causes the constant stress and that constant fight is exhausting me so much that it’s impossible for me to function. The stress of cancelling out parts of my autism is too much. The guilt on top of it is unbearable.