I’ve never felt like this before.

I’m really not used to this feeling. This isn’t familiar to me. I’ve been through a lot and remained strong throughout. I’ve got to the point where I simply cannot fight it anymore. I’m feeling constantly drained and all I want to do is sleep. I have nightmares when I am asleep. Some of them are quite terrifying. I don’t like them because they wake me up and then I never get back to sleep for hours. It’s impacting on every aspect of my life. I’ve had to go on distance learning at college (which is a bad idea because my Maths isn’t strong enough to do this method of study). I’m getting no college work done because I’m constantly tired. I’m gaining weight because I don’t have the energy to exercise like I used to previously. I’m already on antidepressants. Obviously, they aren’t helping because I feel the same. The only thing they’re really doing is stopping my old injury from flaring up in my knee because they are used for that purpose too. I even had no alcohol this Christmas. I just have no desire for it anymore. I don’t even like the smell anymore, let alone the taste. But this is the way I am towards a lot of things I previously enjoyed. It is probably a positive thing that I cannot get drunk on top of how I am already feeling. 

I don’t even want to clear my name because I know that my anxiety made me act like a very awful person at the times I got into trouble, not to mention having  the naivety of a child. I would just like to be given a chance. I sometimes think I’d be better off dead because I don’t work, I don’t really socialise and I’ve been denied the right to have a family (son’s adoption), all because I have aspects of my disability that others don’t understand which means I get misjudged and treated unfavourably. I’ve tried to explain it, but I have been ignored and those punishing me have continued to do so. I feel like my life is a waste because I grew up wanting a career and to be able to have a family. The life I live now just feels like an intense painful existence where I know that I’ll never be given the chance to do those things due to mistakes I’ve made in difficult circumstances. I hate living like this and one day I might just end it all because the pain of living like this with a disability that no one understands and subsequently punishes me for is too much. The endless loneliness. The constant looking at others lives wishing I had a job and some kids. The pain is getting too much for me to bare. And I’m getting more exhausted fighting how I am feeling. It’s a fight existing in an existence I don’t want on a daily basis knowing that I won’t ever be allowed those things. That makes me exhausted too. I can no longer fake a smile because I have tears welling up in my eyes on a daily basis because of the inner pain that no longer wants to stay in. It makes it even worse that I only ever wanted a friend and how society treated me, basically taking everyone away from me damaged me beyond repair. I no longer believe that another will stay or that they are even trustworthy. I live my life constantly being afraid to trust other people because of being let down so many times.