If things don’t change I’m never going to get any confidence back. I’m going to remain stuck in my flat unable to go out. The things being said to justify an order I didn’t deserve for life on my name are not true. Cutting through all that bullsh*t, I only reacted to discrimination. I reacted and I have since apologised to that person but I am sure that they never passed that bit onto their associates and friends.
As far as me being the one destroying them, right now it is the other way around. By keeping the order active, they’re destroying me more and more as each day passes. I’m not accusing anyone of being a narcissist but the way they’re behaving is a very close example to that. They refuse to admit that things didn’t go to plan and take no responsibility for their half of it. Therefore they make the other person out to be evil and dangerous so that they can keep avoiding it.
They’re slowly destroying me by keeping things as they are. Maybe my tiredness is depression which was caused by being plastered with an order I didn’t deserve. I made mistakes when I was discriminated against and bullied by the system. I don’t deserve this punishment for life. Anyone can make an excuse that they’re scared of the other person to avoid facing a terrible situation that should have never materialised into what it did. I didn’t chose to have my disability and I was upfront with how it affected me to avoid situations as they are today. I just want my spark back. I want to be able to smile again. The existence of that order is preventing that from happening. I can’t be freed from depression and feeling so low I think that suicide is the only way to be released from things unless others do the right thing. I can’t take many more days of living with an order on my name that I no longer deserve. It taints me as a person and really affects me mentally because I have convinced myself that I’m an evil person because of it. Every single day it gets left on makes me more and more depressed and I won’t ever get any confidence back.