I realised today that I have no confidence left at all. I thought that I wasn’t doing things because I was tired all the time. But, I actually can’t do anything that I used to do. I’m badly affected by things that have happened to me. I can’t get over those things because they’ve made me distrust everyone and everything around me. I used to be so sure of things that I knew that I knew. I am now unsure of absolutely everything. I am scared to go out and be around others in case they judge me. I’m not paranoid. I know that in this area everyone knows each other and those of us that get sh*t thrown at us end up left out and ridiculed. I never wanted to come back because I felt uncomfortable here. I have a year left in my flat here because my landlord has decided to keep it for another year. I can’t afford to move but was looking at moving away when I can. I don’t feel that I can get my confidence back staying in this area.
There’s no point staying angry at me and trying to punish me over and over again for things that happened due to circumstances in the past. That doesn’t help anybody, not just me. I’ve paid my dues for everything that has happened, more than others will ever know. I deserve some happy times and forgiveness because I’ve more than made up for my negative karma. I don’t need people trying to take the wheel of a karma train because they do not know what’s happened in my life assuming that I haven’t been punished for what happened and driving it back over me. I made my mistakes because I didn’t know how to be. I didn’t have the skills I needed to do social stuff and couldn’t understand aspects of social ways. Or how the world truly worked. I was more naive than an awful person. After years of getting into trouble, I finally got referred to probation which passed me over to a charity which means I could potentially be given a chance. This is better for me than being left under the care of social services where I’ve just existed and been unable to progress because the services never believed I have any abilities. They don’t enable those with Autism and learning disabilities, instead, they write them off. Recently I’ve been offered a course which teaches people how to change (lose their habits others don’t like), a healthy emotions course (I’m on that after Christmas) and a developing relationships course (the final one I’m on to complete my rehabilitation days). Then I can be referred on to services that help those with offending history get into employment or some form of work. They give you work experience at first and some have gained employment from it. They also think I could benefit from an organisation which provides a specialist mentor that sorts things out before the offender gets into trouble again. They sort out any discrimination and the issues causing them before people start on each other and it gets out of control.
I cannot fight the weight gain any longer. I have gained at least 5lbs this week alone. I am definitely filling out due to age and I really am reluctant to become bigger. I can hardly fit into any of my trousers. They all feel uncomfortably tight. I keep getting offered food everywhere I go and I really don’t like to look rude. The Gym I go to is open all over Christmas because we all have swipe cards to get into it. I actually have no energy to even do my college work at the moment. I didn’t want to do any of it over Christmas but I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping for many weeks. I have no energy. I just wish that I didn’t feel like this because I spend most of my time sleeping and I hate that. Especially when I am having nightmares. I have dreams quite a lot, but today, I was having constant nightmares every time I dropped off to sleep. The nightmares all revolve around the things I’ve been through. I don’t want to talk about the specifics. But others have caused these nightmares by their actions.