I have been seeing the concept of Christmas wishes in the films on television at this time of year. I am aware that real life doesn’t work like that. However, I have a few wishes I’d like to put out there. And, quite frankly, I do not care what those that have judged me think of me saying these things.
I have been punished enough in my life for things I’ve simply done through lack of experience. I’d like others to just start seeing me as I really am, not by the labels. I’m not nasty. I’m nothing to fear. I made my mistakes genuinely and I held my hands up to them. I’ve never denied anything, even when I probably should have kept my mouth shut. I am the most genuine person that could possibly exist. I hide absolutely nothing. I have no problem with putting my flaws on display. I can’t help but put my flaws on display with my disability. They are things I cannot hide. I cannot mask who I really am. That doesn’t mean I’m a nasty or scary person. I think third parties should butt out of situations because others are never going to see me as the good and trustworthy person I actually am if they keep stirring it. I have learning disabilities, yes, but I am very aware of what games others are playing. It is very low and a sign of a troublemaker if you continually watch someone’s profiles online and go leading others into thinking that I’m saying stuff about them behind their back.
I was pushed extremely hard to do the things that I did that caused the restraining order. That isn’t my character. That was me in desperation because no one listens to labeled vulnerable adults. I felt like I was talking to brick walls. I’m never allowed to progress in life. I got sick of going around in circles and not being able to move forward because those in the system didn’t and still don’t believe in my capabilities. Then there are times I innocently gave out personal information because I was trying to be nice. I know that sounds completely ridiculous, but I’m really naive. I fake my intelligence. I honestly don’t deserve the order to stay on, I’m thick, not an awful person. I don’t want to lose the other person forever. I don’t want them to be scared of me because that makes me beat myself up out of guilt. I feel the guilt as a heavy burden every single day of my life now. Releasing me from the order would really help take off that heavy burden of guilt. There are things that I didn’t know then, that I’ve been told now. If I’d have known them back then I’d never have done what I did. I intended to wind the other person up by choosing something at random they said in a lecture. It was innocent thinking. I never realised that the other person was disabled otherwise I wouldn’t have done it. I’ve had a chip on my shoulder from a young age. I thought that they were non-disabled so they deserved that kind of treatment because they didn’t understand what it was like. That’s part of my issues because I had non-disabled people make me feel insignificant and lower class as them. If I’d have known that the other person was disabled then I wouldn’t have laid into them like that.
Christmas is a time to forgive and move on from pain (okay, I know that many of us don’t like Christmas because it brings all the pain of bad experiences to the surface). I’ve well and truly paid my dues. I know that it is bang out of order to have feelings for the other person because of how we knew each other. I tried to deny my feelings due to that reason. I still miss them though. And, I know that sounds crazy because I barely knew them. I’d only ever want to be friends though. I don’t want to sound inexperienced here, but I’ve never even kissed another. I’ve just never been the type to want to enter into a romantic relationship. I’m not even ashamed that I’ve never kissed another. If I hadn’t wanted a child I’d never have ever had sex either. That may make me a freak to others, but I do not care. I’m not entering into things that I am totally uncomfortable doing. The thought of even kissing someone I like makes my skin crawl. It’s just something I simply could not do. I wasn’t bought up hugging so even that seems alien to me when I meet someone who is the touchy-feely type. I’m not that keen on releasing this information about myself. But, it’s a way to prove to others that I’m most likely more scared of interacting with them than they are of me.
If I was allowed post-adoption contact with my son then I’d be there because I take my responsibilities seriously. I’d be there for anyone who needed me. I’ve dropped everything before now to do things for other people. For example, I’m making a little something for a friends mother’s funeral. That friend happened to be my former therapist I went to see paying privately every fortnight last year. We kept in contact because she could see that I’d made progress. I’ve always behaved myself and not over-messaged her. She could see that I’ve made mistakes but have changed. I’ve never met her Mother in person but felt like it would be nice to do something for a person that I sometimes spoke to online via my friend’s status on social networks. I can’t do a lot to ease the pain of someone’s loss. But, I can do something even if it’s a tiny gesture. I never used to be like this. I was totally selfish when I first went to see my therapist. I was rude and inconsiderate. I was so jaded by my experiences. I just had an attitude that simply couldn’t care less about myself, let alone others. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point. It has taken more effort than anyone could ever imagine.
I could do with others forgiveness and support right now more than ever before. I’m not well. I literally cannot stay awake a lot. I keep having seizures at night. I fear that I won’t be able to drive my car eventually. I don’t have a lot of money and the benefit changes are scaring me quite a bit. I’m not the same person now. I’m a lot more chilled and laid back (mostly because I’m too tired to get stressy). I’m not an awful person. I used to be when I was younger. I totally admit that I was selfish. I lost the one person that I truly felt I wanted in my life indefinitely, and that is a lifelong punishment if things don’t change. I’ve learned my lesson now. Those of you that haven’t met me have absolutely no right to judge me and to make me out to be someone that I’m not. Yes, maybe I used to be an awful person but I’m not now.
So, there is my Christmas wishes out of the way.