I just say what I see.

I don’t set out to upset people. I purely just say what I see. The system around here does not work. And the things that I’ve managed to uncover are not right. I am prepared to let the university thing go and put it down to the fact that I shouldn’t have been trusting of someone I’d only just met. I shouldn’t have told them too much about myself and tried to rush things. That is a major step for me because I wasn’t able to let it go until I had a conversation with a friend of theirs the other night. Then I find that the same friend has left a review before speaking to me disclosing all my criminal history. I’ve never denied my history. Just like I have never denied my faults that annoy other people. And, I have a right to feel that I have been let down. I don’t expect others to understand every aspect of my disability. I just don’t want to be labeled a criminal for it, because, to me, a criminal is someone who chooses to hit another or is reckless in their behaviour by choice.

I explained that when I am anxious I get panicky and some things that I say come out extremely wrong. It doesn’t matter how much society punishes me for those effects, there is never going to be a way to get rid of them. Anxiety is going to get worse by putting me through systems that cause me stress beyond the point that is manageable for me. The system is no one’s fault that works for it. The way things have to be done are getting increasingly stupid due to political correctness. Logic has completely gone out the window. I read online earlier about a school saying that two children were being sexually inappropriate by giving each other piggybacks. This is something that we always used to do as children at school. They’ve also banned the game Bulldog in schools because it involves contact. Anything that potentially infringes a law is now banned in schools and other organisations. Therefore, it makes it impossible for people like me to fit into society. All the things we grew up being able to do is now banned. And I’m aware of the generational thing where the older generation say to us that we have an attitude problem. They grew up in much better decades than us. The last reasonable decade was the 90s and as soon as we hit 00s things went bad. The new kind of system had really set in by then and it’s only got worse.

I set up A.S.S.G.O back in 2004 to try to promote a system change. This hasn’t happened and if anything it has got worse. I really want us all to work together in order to achieve this outcome. That has always been what I wanted. And, as the title suggests, I only say what I see. I already have established that I cannot say what I hear because how do I know if it’s true? I am probably naive to think the system can be changed, but at least I’m willing to try to push for change. I know that I’ve made enemies by expressing how I see things, but that the risk that you take when you’re a woman with an opinion on the internet. It doesn’t happen to the males so much. I don’t want to hurt anyone with those observations and suggestions, however, I made a commitment at 17 to get the system changed because I could see the way it was going. Look at the earlier examples of this in this entry. These are the perfect examples of how our systems are changing for the worse. I don’t want to see that kind of stuff get more progressive. I’m not a bad influence. I’m not an evil person in any way. I did things with the utmost good intent.

It’s only lack of experience and immaturity that made me make a right hash of things. I grew up admiring activists and they don’t always do things that are within the law but it is always for the right reasons. That is where I first saw the likes of Jeremy Corbyn etc. I didn’t understand the world around me because I’m not streetwise and I avoid going out there unless I absolutely have to. I don’t want to go out and I’ve never liked going out much anyway.

Quite frankly, I don’t like the world that we live in. I think it is horrible. I just hate it. I’m not one of those animal rights people but I can’t even walk past the butchers or anywhere selling meat because I just can’t stand it. I can’t help but feel terrible when I see the suffering of any animals or humans. That is why I beat myself up with guilt because I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I was trying to get a friend. I didn’t know things and I assumed that others had gone out to hurt me. I always believed that others could have helped me more if they’d wanted to and if they really cared about me as a person.

I can’t help holding on to that for a long time. I only started to let go of it a bit after one of the other person’s mates spoke to me the other night. I realised that we were just going to end up coming to an impasse because we are both stubbornly holding our positions refusing to budge on our views. That is one thing that we do have in common and I have to back down because I’m the one that everyone is against. I’m outnumbered and seen as the one in the wrong. I will remain hurt over it but I can’t openly show it because time won’t heal anything if I do. I will always care. I could never hate another person, only that I’m hurt by them. It has affected me really badly and that is why I took a photo last night. I’m not making an issue out of it for any reason but for the fact that it’s affecting me badly. I can’t get others to see the effects they’ve had on me unless I actually show them photographic proof. A picture is better than any words I can possibly use. I am exhausted and still quite traumatised by my experiences and you could see it on my face last night.

I’m not denying that others have suffered too. I’m just pointing out that you may see me as the bad one, however, I’ve suffered too. I’ve agreed to draw a line under it but it’s still going to leave me with the mental and physical effects for a long time too. I can’t just get rid of those effects on demand. It’s part of being human. It doesn’t make me ill for feeling emotions. We don’t have the choice whether we fall for another or any control over the circumstances that this may happen. I can, by all means, deny that I ever cared or had any feelings whatsoever. And, love to me isn’t the way it is in others eyes. Love, to me, isn’t anything sexual. I do not see anyone in that way. Love, to me, is the one thing that I have always missed in my life. It’s more like friendship love, being able to say that someone is there for you in a genuine capacity who will just be there for me with no strings attached or conditions.

If not being able to turn my feelings off makes me a bad person, then I am a bad person. I know that I had true feelings for the person because even the bad parts of them that were off-putting, I actually found them attractive. As someone said to me the other day, I never really knew the other person truly as a person but if you have feelings for someone you’re not going to focus on those parts of them. Those that are married know that their other halves can be not the nicest sometimes and have their own little ways that drive the others nuts, but they accept them because they care about the other person. I felt the part that scared me about the other person, but despite that, I could see the good there. I still believe that they are a good person even after everything. I see it as my fault for not being good enough for them. I’m also very aware of the part that I felt which scared me too. I feel things from others. I don’t choose to be able to feel those things. I can’t see any private details from others. That isn’t how it works. I just sense things from people and never with details enough to invade anyone’s privacy. I’d never use anything I have the ability to do to invade the privacy of others.