I wanted a friend, I’m not a monster.

I am starting to feel bullied locally and I’m actually keeping myself to myself. I got told by a friend last night what others are saying about me behind my back. I am trying to move on with my life even though the times when people have hurt me still affect me.

I want to make one thing clear. I could have pleaded not guilty every single time that I got accused of intent I did not have. But that would have required a trial which would have been too stressful for me. Instead, the only option I had was to plead guilty and none of the so called facts get disputed. I am not a monster. I just wanted a friend but I was shy and naive. I’m actually very simple because of my learning disabilities. I was never open about that side of me because it would make it harder to get a career. You’re perceptions are wrong about me. I admit that I had a bit of a streak in me when I was younger which was naughty but I was a teenager. I never planned anything that happened. This gossip about my past is damaging to me. I just want to be able to distance myself from my messes and gain forgiveness. I was very young then and I’m still young now. I am inexperienced because quite frankly I’ve never had the confidence to actually enter into a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. I have the mentality of a child socially in that department. No malice whatsoever. I was never taught how to be, just punished for not knowing. No one has ever bothered to get to know me well enough to actually see that it’s my lack of social skills rather than malice that manifested my behaviour problems.

And as for others saying I don’t fit into the Asperger’s criteria because mine doesn’t manifest in the ways that other people’s does. In my case, my obsession was wanting a friend because I grew up feeling so lonely and unloved. Many of those that look at me as an awful have come from close knit loving families. That isn’t the type of family I was born into. I cling onto others out there at school etc because I had a cold unloving home life where I had to act as carer for my Dad when Mum was at work. I live on my own now so technically it’s still like going back to a cold unloving home. I have the cats now but they’re not human.

There’s no one out there that knows my background properly. I have never spoken about it because I kept that private. But, when others start referring to me as a monster etc, I have to put things straight. I am not a monster. I’m a person in private that no one out there would understand. That doesn’t mean that I’m weird. Everyone is different and no one has the right to judge me. I talk about a lot of things but there’s huge chunks of me I do not show to anybody. I don’t trust anyone so I keep most of who I am away from public blogs. I may seem very open, but I am not. That isn’t for any sinister reasons. I’m just not comfortable. That maybe the reason why I’ve never dated anyone properly long term because I’m actually quite self conscious about letting people past my inner self. It’s most likely about being rejected emotionally by my mother.

My behaviour problems may have also have been subconsciously about keeping people away from the inner me. I literally feel intense fear and anxiety when others have tried to get to know me. I feel fear when people ask me questions about myself. I feel really uncomfortable. There’s a part of me that wants to let others in, but it doesn’t win over the other much stronger part. I don’t want to be alone my entire life but that side of me is too strong to fight.

The Gym and trying to keep my weight down is due to being bullied at school for how I looked. I was also a chubby child because of my epilepsy medication. I hated it. I don’t really like make up but I wear a little bit when I’m going somewhere. I do have foundation and powder but I don’t like wearing it because I hate having my face covered. It feels really clingy and like I have things stuck to my face. I actually get headaches if I wear too much make up. I don’t know if that is a sensory aspect of my Asperger’s. I can hear more than the average person. I can hear the electric cables power sound when it’s quiet at night. To my ears there’s nothing that stays background noise. I can hear it all at the same intensity. That is why I have my headphones with music on when I go out. I can still hear the traffic noises etc over it unless I have it loud (which I obviously can’t because it would hurt my ears). I only have one working eye. The working one isn’t brilliant because I have to have glasses for reading. I can see distance fine. The lazy eye is still able to see but slightly unfocused. That runs in my family on my dad’s side so I inherited that. I am very particular with what I eat. I like the foods that I like and am reluctant to try new things. It makes it easier if invited out for a meal because I will always have the exact same thing.  I do have daily habits like going the shop after I wake up for a Pepsi max either on the way to where I’m going or just to the shop and back on days I’m not going anywhere.  

I’m fed up of people assuming that I don’t have my diagnosis. As I said before, I don’t talk about a lot of my daily life. And when I have gone into personal territory it’s purely been because things were really making my life difficult and I went my gp but they weren’t that helpful. Luckily, those personal things sorted themselves out but I only talk about things when I absolutely need to. If I’m talking about things then it’s because they’ve built up to such a level I cannot hold them in any longer. They say that you have to tell someone if you’re struggling but I always get punished for it.

I have to go because I’m still feeling exhausted and just want to rest. I just wanted to explain that there is more to me than the things being spread. And that doesn’t make me a monster.