I’m tired :(

I’m tired because everything is keeping me awake. I just don’t want things to be the way that they are indefinitely. The stress is causing me seizures and I have no control over how it’s affecting me.  I genuinely misunderstood things and the other person involved. We just aren’t the same so we are never going to see each other’s perspectives. But things as they are now isn’t going to help me be less stressed long term. I wouldn’t be saying anything unless it was affecting me badly.

I’m walking around with tears welling up in my eyes. People are starting to notice. I used to be able to fake a smile, but I can’t anymore. I never meant to hurt the other person. Everything just got out of control and I hate myself so much for everything that has happened. I can’t move on knowing what I did accidentally. I wasn’t told the full facts at the right time. I was ignorant to the truth of things that went on behind my back. A lot went on which prevented me from knowing certain things.

I used to take everything as a personal attack thinking that the way others treated me was due to me, but I never understood that it could be about who they are as a person. I’m not myself right now. I don’t want others to think that I’m tearful because I  have anything against them. I’m tearful because I feel trapped at the moment. I don’t want things to be as they are but I’m trapped into those circumstances. I’m starting to feel exhausted because of lack of sleep. I can’t pretend to be okay with things if they’re still tormenting me. Seizures wake me up or horrendous dreams (ptsd sort of thing).  It’s everything built up because I ignored every bit of traumatic experiences I’d been through and now they’re all starting to get to me. As I said previously, others don’t know about everything because I don’t go into things. I’m exhausted and I have sore eyes from tears. I have no energy to feel anything. I need a rest but I find my head preventing that. My mind thinks too much about things. I’ve been holding these effects in for a long time.