I’m sick of it all! Stop making assumptions that aren’t true!

Right, I am fed up with others assuming they know what happened because they don’t know how much I was bullied behind the scenes. I was severely let down by that other person and I find out they have been spreading lies about me for the last two years and telling people about aspects of my life that I confided in them. I’m not the bad one. They know that because I have a past no one will believe me. If they’d have told me themselves to get lost at the time, the events of the last two years wouldn’t have happened as I thought it was the university (like I thought the same at school) telling them not to talk to me. I made my mistakes because I didn’t understand social stuff. I never bullied anyone else. I only wanted a friend but no one has ever taught me to make friends. It isn’t fair to punish me for something I genuinely don’t understand. I genuinely didn’t make my mistakes on purpose. The other person must be cruel because I have a disability. I was open about that and I told them how it affected me. They assured me that they understood. That is why I thought the university was behind it for a very long time. And, I have been made to be totally confused because I keep hearing different things that are supposed to be the truth but are completely the opposite versions to one another. I was a shit as a teenager, I hold my hands up to admit that I was immature and stupid and acted like a spoilt brat. I genuinely was begging the other person to help me because I was broken after my son’s adoption when I met them. I was unsettled and a lot of things were said after I had a drink. I’ve been honest enough to admit that and people are still hellbent on lynching me.

And the thing that someone assumed was written about the other person actually wasn’t. That was about an old friend from my teenage years that let me down who actually does do everything in that song which I posted. None of this is fair to me. I’ve been told that even now I’ve got rid of my OCD traits I won’t ever be forgiven. And this is due to bullsh*t people have dug up about my past. We all have a past. We are ALL stupid as a younger person. The circumstances that went on behind the scenes before criminal cases were never made public. The police manipulate cases in order to meet the monetary targets around here. Please keep searching for those because I can promise you that you’ll find them, keep digging. It has to be something or someone in this area causing me shit by stirring it for me because I was NEVER treated this way by any other area I have lived in. I’ve spoken to others who have been labeled as a criminal and they are continually targeted by the police and others trying to manipulate tails of bullshi*t about them. I found out only today that a few of them have moved away to a different area because they couldn’t take the bullying manipulation and ignorance that exists in this county. I’m not saying that I’ve always been lily white, and I’m certain that they weren’t. However, people deserve a chance not to be jumped on for their mistakes at every opportunity. Those that have been driven out of this area are a lot older than me. They’ve tried to stick this place for many years and ended up continually being thrown into court because of people manipulating events and setting them up. That is a major cause of anxiety for me because I literally get petrified.

I can’t get rid of all aspects of my disability and I’m aware that some people (and this isn’t aimed at the other person) will do it on purpose simply because they do not like or understand me. I’m getting stressed to the maximum right now because I don’t want the order on my name forever and that is what will happen due to others most likely feeding bullsh*t to the other person. I have been lied about because other people didn’t want discrimination I received to come back on them. I was reacting to how I was treated. I would NEVER attack someone for no reason. I just wanted someone to care about me and I got a load of crap thrown at me. Those that have a decent Mother are extremely lucky because this is what led to my issues. I just wanted to be loved and that isn’t evil or bad or bullying. I’ve tried to explain this and my blog is trying to create more awareness, not make me the target of trolling and others trying to lynch me for being honest. I’m sorry but I cannot lie. And that is a great quality to have in most cases, apart from if someone asks you if they look ok in their clothes and they really don’t. I can’t even lie in those circumstances.

I’d be a very good friend but others refused to give me the chance. Others have expected me to know social skills that I just don’t  possess. Instead of teaching me them, they condemned me. You’re all trying to say that it is unreasonable for me to be really hurt at being let down. I was promised things and they didn’t happen, I was severely let down. The things I said at that time were absolutely out of character said in anger. Anxiety makes me quite snappy with other people and I try to avoid others when I get anxiety attacks because I will fall out with someone. And another thing I’m annoyed about is the other person discussing aspects of my life which I told them in confidence. I don’t want their many friends to know those things because I’ve never even met them. That is how vicious rumours get started because information gets manipulated and passed around wrongly. I never said anything nasty about the other person until I found out that they’d discussed me behind my back. I take responsibility for what I actually did, not the assumptions of my character made by others. If any of you hung around with me for a day or even a few hours, you’d see that I’m not remotely a danger or an awful person. It’s unfair to judge me for times when I was literally bullied in all directions. In those circumstances, anyone would have snapped. I’m not as reactive as I was when I was younger. The way others see me and things I’ve done is not how I see it. We are taught to see everything as a potential threat. I don’t see everything as a potential threat. I see everything in naive tinted spectacles.

I innocently did my actions with no malice in the way that I think. I’m intelligent, but I am socially thick. I’ve never been in a relationship. I only got asked out the other day but I’ve never said yes. I just do not want a romantic relationship kind of thing. But I’ve never gone for it so I don’t know how to be with other people. I don’t like to socialise so I never learned what others expect me to know which is the reasons they’ve labeled it as intentional actions. The point is that I didn’t know any better. I didn’t go out to hurt anyone. I cared about the other person and others in my past. I hate myself for those lack of skills. I’ve only just started learning them because of going on that change programme. It still doesn’t mean I don’t get moody and pissed off with how things stand. That isn’t skills related, just frustration.