I wasn’t happy with most of the discussion I had with someone last night but they’ve made me come to some decisions. I wasn’t being who I am. And the conversation with them last night has made me realise that. And also its how I’m feeling right now that has also contributed to the decision. I’m extremely tired and affected by things that have happened to me. I’m not blaming anyone else. I don’t want to lay the guilt on those that haven’t understood me. I’m still angry about the past but blaming others makes me an awful person. I don’t want to be like that. It doesn’t only place my issues on to other people, but it’s also made me bitter. That bitterness brings on depression and makes any physical illness worse.
Anyway, my decision is as follows. I have always wanted to work, but now I don’t feel like I’ll ever be capable. If this exhaustion doesn’t go away I won’t have the energy to even work part-time hours. I’m hoping that this isn’t going to last much longer. However, it’s been with me for half of this year. It started by feeling tired but progressively I started getting days when I just couldn’t face getting out of bed the majority of the day. I know that I won’t be able to work if this gets any worse and if it stays as it is right at this moment in time. I’m going to finish off the remaining of my GCSE’s because I’m halfway through finishing them. Then I can reach my goal of having finished school. I may do A Levels later on, but I need a year or so break in between. I don’t have to rush anything and that is where I’ve always gone wrong. I want everything as soon as possible when I don’t have the abilities to get things that quickly and this tiredness adds to slowing me down. I only went for a walk to the shop and back today and that wore me out completely. As I’ve been at my Mum’s trying to sort out her phone line for a few nights this week I, therefore, decided I wasn’t going tonight. I don’t want another accident on the ice driving in this weather. I’m not up to driving in this weather. I had to go over there during the week because there was no other option and all that messing around added to wearing me out. On a positive note, it paid off eventually. The phone line isn’t perfect yet and still needs an engineer to come fix the problem properly because there is a fault somewhere on the line, but at least, after me getting hold of the management and making a point of telling them it wasn’t on that they’ve left a pensioner without a working phone line for many days, it is now working again.
I’m not looking forward to either of my phone bills next month because those numbers aren’t in my contract or covered by my landline package. The contract on my mobile phone runs out in February anyway and I’m going back to a pay as I go contract now that I own my iPhone. I will try to take my number with me but if the process doesn’t go to plan then I’ll be changing it. I am assured by people that I know that it is a simple process. I need to give my current provider notice at the end of January. I need to get my phone unlocked too nearer the time because it’s only able to use its original network at the moment.
I’m going to try to get some studying done but I’m not sure how long I will be able to concentrate on it. The tiredness is making me just want to sit here doing absolutely nothing. I have the heating on but I’m still freezing cold. It’s warm in here because I have a thermometer thingy on the wall. I shouldn’t be feeling cold. I spent most of the day in bed with the electric blanket on and the heating on, even at that time I was feeling freezing. I missed my iron tablets yesterday because I was trying to sort things out all day. I forgot to take them with me. I took them today so I should warm up soon when they take effect if it’s anemia related.
I also had another dream when I dropped off to sleep today about going up a lift. I was standing in a lift on my own. That is the second lift dream I’ve had now. It’s got to mean something.