You all need to know the real Em behind the gossip and the local lies that started about me as a teen.

I’ve had about enough of the gossip and general bullsh*t about me that is spread locally about me. I have been told the absolute crap people have said behind my back here. I would just like to put it out there that not one of you that has judged me didn’t do stupid things as a teenager and in your younger years. There will be virtually NONE of you that haven’t screwed up due to lack of experience in relationships and friendships. There will be barely any of you that haven’t retaliated to discrimination in stupid immature ways in your younger years. Absolutely none of you have the right to slander me behind my back. You only know bits and pieces, but have no awareness of the full facts of anything that has ever happened. I was always the freak who couldn’t make friends at school and they never knew why at that point, but it was my Autism. I have had the ASD community denounce me because of these slanderous remarks made by people.

And, who knows? Anyone that I’ve ever had any remote interest in may have treated me awfully because of this horrendous gossip. I am asking for permission from those that think they have the right to judge me to be able to be allowed to move on with my life. Whether others believe it or not, I have changed and deserve my past not to be spoken about. No one knows me because I was always a shy child who wrote down things to communicate. As I’ve said before, I was denied schooling because of my problems and actually learned to write by copying songs. And I used the language from them. Parents will know that songs sometimes sound inappropriate when repeated by kids. I taught myself to write by what was in front of me and most of the time I wasn’t at school so this was lyrics from pop songs throughout the decades. I was treated terribly by a lot of education establishments (probably fuelled by gossip between people who were ignorant and didn’t understand disability). I was only reacting to the way that I was treated and how it made me feel. I just wanted a friend. I was never taught how to make and keep friends, then I was diagnosed too late, basically being told that I was stuck the way I was because it was too late to give me proper treatment.

Now, get the next bit into your heads and replace these truths with the ignorant opinions and gossip that is, quite frankly, way past its sell-by date.  Your perceptions are wrong and you need to see that. None of you see what goes on behind closed doors. I’ve worked so hard to get rid of my Asperger Syndrome traits because the person I lost meant the world to me. I’ve had to tell myself all along that if I managed it they’d forgive me and we could be friends. I need that to come to fruition and all the crap that people talk about me behind my back isn’t going to help that manifest. I AM NOT A DANGER to anyone. In fact, I am the one that is always bullied and because of not saying anything back, others get away with it. It’s not wrong to want a friend and it was never my fault that I was a social f*ck up. I am a kind person. I worry about other people and put myself last. I’m not a no-go area like gossip I’ve heard. I’ve never even had the confidence to enter a relationship so I lack so much experience. None of that was my fault.

I need people to listen to how things are affecting me and actually take them into account. I cannot have things left as they are because it’s badly affecting my health. I’m so tired and the stress of things being distressing for me thinking that I’ve lost the one person I cared about (apart from my son and other family members) forever. It can’t be indefinitely. I’m too ill to take that stress anymore. I screwed up because I didn’t know any better. I can’t handle it being like this long term, let alone for the rest of my life. I’m getting more tired by the day and I actually feel frail now. The stress of things being the way they are has caused me depression too. I can feel it destroying me and I know that I can’t take this long term. I was trying to tell the other person that when I was breaking the order. I tried to tell everyone this was leading to the worsening of my illness I already have and if you don’t listen then it’s likely to finish me off completely. I cannot remain not affected by these circumstances. It’s not like I’m doing it intentionally. I have absolutely no control over this making my illness worse. I just need others to consider the effects on me, rather than just looking at their own needs. I don’t want to be parted from the person I could have had as a friend but for my OCD issues etc. I’d give absolutely anything to have a chance. I’m not a bad person and everyone deserves a friend. I’m getting so tired so I’d appreciate it if people could be there for me now. This is my hour of need approaching because I can feel myself getting worse alongside tiredness. I worked hard to change and have worn myself out. The least others could do is to sort out the things that are making me stressed.

I need forgiveness. There’s no need to treat me this way anymore because the objective of getting rid of my OCD side has been reached. Others just wanted me to develop messaging control and I have now. I have had seizures due to the stress (a lot of you know I used to have epilepsy but it can return during stressful periods). I had lots of seizures at the time the other person’s friends were talking to me. I’m currently asking the college to send work home for me on a distance learning basis because I’m that ill because everything has made me that ill. You’re all blind to the effects you’re having on me and yet I’m supposed to accept others views when others refusal to see how their actions have contributed to how ill it’s making me. That is something that others ignore and then expect me to accept that I deserve to be never forgiven and have this status quo situation forever eating away at me. That is horrendously cruel. I reacted to circumstances, I wasn’t just being stubborn and wanting my own way.