I am not making it up to get my own way. I genuinely can’t do my college work or function in my day to day life because it needs sorting out and that order needs lifting before it causes me to have a breakdown. I cannot ignore what is bugging me anymore. I have tried but I have only been distracting myself and avoiding how I feel. That isn’t possible for me to do anymore. And then I find out that others are making judgments about me who don’t even know me.
I’ve lost too much because of that situation to not be given what I need now. I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept well since they made the first order and when they made the indefinite one my distress level. I am constantly stressed about it and I cannot avoid it anymore. It needs fixing and soon. Is it too much for me to ask? I just want to be happy. And I can’t until it’s all sorted out. That is never going to change and if the order carries on long term it will destroy me. The lack of sleep and stress making me exhausted is already too much. I can’t go on like this for years and years, it would be unfair to expect me to do so. I cannot accept something that is morally wrong. I wasn’t just going to sit back and take being discriminated against. This isn’t avoiding conflict, it’s continuing fanning the flames in the past. That order is making those flames burn on.
I went to that group therapy because for the first time in my life I’d met someone who I actually wanted to learn to be normal for. I’m very stubborn and stuck in my ways so that is a rare thing to happen. Fanning those flames with the current circumstances does not aid forgiveness. And there have been people in between us trying to play us off against each other by trying to wind me up because they can see it’s easy. I can’t function in my daily life anymore and that isn’t a choice or even me being stubborn in regards to my point of view. I have no control over it.
I’m giving up automatically because the one person I could be bothered to change for won’t give me a chance. I didn’t have a problem with who I was as a person. I changed because they had requirements that were different to who I was then. That is what you do when a person means something to you. I see it as a wasted effort now because I do not like myself anymore. I used at least have that spark when I had my ocd related problems. I’m now an empty shell because I gave up the bit of me that gave me the will to carry on etc. I can get that spark back through other ways if things just get sorted. I’m a flat exhausted waste until that happens. This would mean so much for me. I know the new me would be lovable to them because I’ve made myself normal. Okay, I may sound really on edge now but I’m trying to lay it on the line about the debilitating affects it’s having on me. As much as I accept the other persons view, I can’t brush under the carpet how it’s started to tear me apart and that is getting more severe because there’s no way I can cope long term constantly being torn apart. I can’t do anything in my life because my motivation is gone. I hate myself every day. All because of it bugging me. I need people to see how much I am suffering because no one has even considered that aspect.