I hate today already.

I woke up tired. That made me feel in a terrible mood anyway. I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I have done some vacuuming and changed the cat’s litter tray yet again because they wouldn’t go outside to do their business over the last week due to the weather.  I love having three cats but not cleaning up the mess they leave behind. Mister kicked a load of litter out of the tray all over the floor yesterday. Mimi does her business so close to the edge sometimes it goes on the newspaper underneath the tray. Dave is actually quite tidy when it comes to using the litter tray and you’d think that he would be messier because he spends half of his life outside (he’s mostly an outdoor cat that adopted me).

I have some damage to my car from the snow incident last night. It’s scratches and a bit of a dent where the other car bounced off of my front after I skidded sideways (trying to avoid hitting the car that stopped in front). I should have taken others insurance details because that is going to cost me £275 when I do have it done. It’s not urgent but I got a quote for future reference. I watsapped the photos of the damage across to a local car body shop repairer. At least it’s still driveable. I had to put the wheel trim back on properly this morning. I tried to track down the other driver involved because apparently according to others they have a lot of damage to their car. I left the scene because the accident brought on an anxiety attack and if I stayed they’d have interpreted me as someone who was flippant and rude. That is how anxiety attacks affect me. I was shaking and couldn’t sleep most of the night. I overly worry about unintentional damage to other people. I beat myself up over the smallest mistakes. I can’t take my documents to the police station because I don’t have my MOT certificate or insurance details at my house. I would have to tell my Mother about the accident and that scares me about as much as the police. I wasn’t speeding or driving dangerously, the road conditions caught me out. But for circumstances, I wouldn’t have been involved because I wouldn’t have been going down that road if it hadn’t been for having to sort my Mum’s phone service out. It was a genuine accident that I feel awful about. I’m extremely anxious today, but that is how I’ve been left due to circumstances unrelated to last nights incident. I want to keep out of trouble but it seems the only way I can avoid it is to not go out at all.

I can’t get over everything else that has happened. I find myself getting extremely distressed over it every single night. I have been put in circumstances where I’ve been demanded to ignore how I feel and everyone else ignores how I feel. I’m constantly on edge and scared of people now because of what has happened. It cannot be sorted out until the order gets dropped and now that is for life so I’m stuck in this horrible state. I absolutely hate myself because the other person won’t forgive me. I will only see forgiveness if the other person drops the order. It’s constantly in my head 24/7. I hear my thoughts saying I’m an awful person, I’m a freak, I’m a weirdo. That is enough to drive me insane eventually. I feel like I’m now defined because of the label. I feel like I am evil. I’m probably only taking it to heart so much because the other person meant something to me. If they hadn’t meant anything to me then their perception of me wouldn’t matter at all. I don’t know why their forgiveness means that much to me. It would boost me a lot right now if I got that forgiveness and the order dropped. I’m really tired and my health is the worse it has ever been. I can’t take much more because I’ve had enough of all the suffering and the endless fight. Every single day of my life seems like a huge effort. I absolutely hate myself. I don’t trust people anymore and if I had a choice I’d never go out of my flat again. I’m so tired. If someone asked me whether I wanted to be euthanized tomorrow, I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes because I’m that worn out and the things that have happened in my whole life has damaged me forever.