I really tried so hard!

I attempted to carry on as normal but my tiredness got the better of me. I’m now feeling very unwell. I get stomach pains every time I eat. I’m not sure if I caused that because I dropped an iron tablet on the pavement and picked it up, on deciding that it had just touched the floor, I decided that it was ok to risk taking it. Judging by the fact that I am now ill, I assume that I wasn’t correct. It’s a hassle to order medication this time of the yeah so risking it seemed like a reasonable idea at that time. If it’s just a bug I’m sure it will have got better within a few days. It started yesterday. I’ve worn myself out both physically and especially mentally. Hardly sleeping and trying to carry on as normal has caught up with me. I haven’t felt like I’m really present all day.

I broke my window wiper by accident because I just wasn’t thinking when I popped to the supermarket. I forgot to make sure that they were not frozen on to the window before trying to use them. I think I now need a new front one and a new back one because of not thinking properly. The rubber has slightly come away from the wiper. I knew that I shouldn’t have attempted to do anything feeling like this because I think about what I’m doing. I had no choice because I needed to get some food in for the week. I wouldn’t have gone out today if I’d not had to go out. I just want to sleep all the time because I feel that tired. I cleaned the litter trays earlier and then one of my cats went for a number 2 in it and spread all the litter bits all over the floor when trying to cover it. They point blankly refuse to go out in this weather. Dave (the one that adopted me) has been out but then sits next to my window wanting to come in because he discovers it is too cold to stay outside.

I feel very depressed too on top of being physically ill. I’ve let things get to me so much recently. I need a break from everything but I can’t get a break from thinking because I never stop. And I’m constantly thinking that I’m an awful person and this won’t get out of my head. I can’t stop mentally suffering because I can’t get over things I know shouldn’t have happened and all the lies that have been told about me on files. It doesn’t matter how I try to convince myself that I am not that person because I know they are lies, I just can’t because of the whole university thing that happened. I don’t want things to remain like this. I know that there have been lies told to fuel that situation because I’ve had several different versions that are totally opposite to each other from different sources. It’s starting to affect me badly and I’ve tried to move on but I’m just losing sleep by constantly thinking about everything.