Firstly, I take back what I said regarding being doubtful that we would actually get any snow because I saw that in fact we have got quite a lot. I’m quite concerned that I will have to dig my car out from where I parked it last night. When I got home our flat’s car park was full, so I had to park on the grass verge outside. I’m hoping that there hasn’t been too much snow collected around it so that I’m able to move it. I was going to go the Gym today but I’m not sure about driving in this weather.
I know how to drive in this weather because my Dad taught me. It involves using gears to slow down and only lightly touching breaks, then if you do start sliding you steer slightly the opposite way to the direction that you’re sliding. I just can’t be bothered with all that today. I feel comfortable in my flat where it’s nice and warm. Even Dave, the cat, wants to be inside today and he normally spends most of his life outside.
I’m also quite tired because I wasn’t able to sleep until nearly 5am. I’m very down about everything that has gone on. It keeps me awake most nights. It is completely destroying me. Things cannot be left the way that they currently stand. If they are left as they are then I won’t ever get a proper night’s sleep again. I’ve barely slept through everything. I get tearful because I’m that tired I can barely function. It’s affecting my revision and college attendance severely at the moment. I need a break from all this so badly.
It is going to destroy me. I’m a strong person because of the things I’ve been through but I feel myself being pushed to breakdown point by the it’s never going to end because of the order in force type feelings. This whole thing is overshadowing all the future for me. It’s important to me that it gets sorted and I’m not seen as an awful person by the other person. I only ever wanted to be friends, nothing else. But at the time and up until I stopped drinking, it didn’t come across like that. I can’t sleep properly while the order remains on and no one sees that I was reacting to discrimination. I cannot property rest until it is all sorted out. I’m depressed over it and that is never going to change. I didn’t ask to be born with a disability and I certainly don’t deserve to be treated as I have been because of it.
I have done so many dangerous things to try to get rid of my disability because of how I get treated. I even considered asking for brain surgery when my sons adoption was going through because that was the only way I’d get their mind changed so that I wouldn’t lose my son. They used my disability traits to get him for adoption but it’s not discrimination because of how things were worded. I bought medication off of the internet to try to make myself wanted by the other person because I thought that if I could get rid of my disability then I’d be wanted by others. The things I’ve been punished for is my disability. I’m Asperger’s and learning disabled. Therefore you cannot discount my traits because I’m not someone with straight forward type Asperger’s.
Punishing me hasn’t got rid of those traits. If anything it’s made them worse. I’ve ended up resenting myself because everyone I’ve ever cared about has demanded I change by their actions. And, even when I do manage to fake normal more easily, they still don’t want me. I just want people to see where I’m coming from and actually listen to me. If others were listening then the order would have been removed by now and I’d have who I miss in my life as a friend.