I am unable to settle completely tonight. I got my law assignment back (Law GCSE stuff). I got 79% as the mark. That should have perked me up but it hasn’t. I’m still quite down because of not being able to have what I need. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll just tell me I have to accept the situation but I cannot in the long term. I have the doctors in the morning and they simply can’t do any more for me because I’m already on antidepressants and I’m still getting extremely stressed. They no longer give out sleeping tablets like they used to do and to be honest I learned how to fight them when I was in the hospital as a teenager. I will fight them by accident because that is what happens when my brain won’t switch off. I can’t stop my intuition telling me there have been lies told and I’ve been blamed for things that I haven’t done. I was led to believe the other person set me up by all those around me. They made have told the other half of the situation a lie to play us off against each other. I simply can’t turn my intuition off because I’m the type that has to solve everything that doesn’t make any sense in life. Especially if I’m technically getting punished for life because I was scapegoated for everything at the convenience of others. I would like the truth to come out and for people to stop thinking that I’m the awful one when they do not know the full facts. I’ve had my own friends judge me over the situation believing things that just aren’t true. I overreacted so it made it look like something that it actually wasn’t. I was a huge mess at that time because of things I hadn’t dealt with before going to university. I wasn’t obsessed with anyone.
I felt utterly betrayed because someone promised me that I wouldn’t get kicked out of university, but it happened. I thought they were a friend and ally that I could depend on, but they’ve done both things that they said that they never would. I just want closure and I’m not being allowed to have that. I need closure or I’m just going to end up awake every night sometimes crying because I feel stuck in a place that I do not wish to be until others release me by reversing things. I don’t want the other person to hate me because that hurts me. I know that we were both played off against each other and I am sure that the authorities were involved (my adult social service support and the university combined). I have already found a load of lies written about me previously, so they’re probably still writing things that aren’t true. I’ve met other children of the system that have been isolated from anyone they’ve ever trusted because that is what adult services do in the name of protecting people. I find their methods a form of torture. It’s like my support service played mind games with me on a regular basis. I got fed up eventually after everything and told them to get out.
I should be feeling better about things because I’ve been in the background pushing for changes within society. I’ve seen so many of those things that I have been going on about for many years actually become public knowledge recently. It’s been a continual struggle to get things into the mainstream media but myself and others remained dedicated to nagging our point until the media decided to cover those topics. It’s all revolved around giving people a voice who aren’t heard because society ignores them. And those of us that were too afraid to speak up now isn’t afraid to tell their story. I never used to talk about details of my past in much depth. I spoke about my time in the hospital and those that I knew the other night on here. I wanted to share my experiences because I want others to know that even though they feel alone, they aren’t and others know what they experience. I’ve never spoken in depth about my Dad’s illness and the time leading up to his death until recently. I used to put on a smile and carry on like nothing bothered me and it would confuse people when I emailed them saying I was depressed but didn’t look it. That was my self-protection. The more I felt like bursting into tears, the bigger the smile I faked. I’ve got to that point where I am unable to fake how I feel any longer. I sometimes walk along and feel tears coming from my eyes. I’m no longer a youngster that can hide my pain anymore. I can no longer hide outwardly how I feel. I haven’t smiled a real smile in over 2 years. I wake up every day wishing that things weren’t like they are in my life. I even wake up wishing that I did not have my disability because my life wouldn’t have become the way that it did if I hadn’t got it. The one friend I want in my life I can’t have and I wish every day that this wasn’t the case. I look around me and am underwhelmed by every aspect of life. The things I used to enjoy etc just seem boring and I just don’t care about anything anymore.