I had a dream the other night which could have been turned into a film. I didn’t write it down as soon as I woke up and subsequently nearly everything I remembered from it disappeared by morning. I also had another dream which featured Jeremy Corbyn. I really do think that he will end up becoming Prime Minister. The main thing I remember about the dream (again, I did not write it down) was a glass elevator/ lift depending on which part of the world you are reading this from. He was in it with a group of us at one point of the dream. The dream focused on the lift and a train where there was always people walking on and off trying to get somewhere. The dream ended with me and another woman in a lift (never met the person before in my life) going up and down the lift and no one else waiting was getting on it. It was such a high lift. Those that know me will be aware that I do not like heights or lifts. This combination was therefore not great for me. It went up extremely high and because it was glass I could see everything outside. It kept going up and down constantly and wouldn’t let anyone else in at the end.
I’m also having an awful day when it comes to dealing with things that I am finding upsetting. I spent the majority of last night not being able to get certain things out of my head. I overslept this morning so I never got to college again. I have the work sent to me again so I’m okay. I would prefer distance study right now anyway. I don’t want to tell them too much because I do not wish to get judged again, but I just cannot handle going out all the time now. I’m struggling with routine because I would just like to be on my own a lot. I have a migraine today. I no longer feel the benefit from the Gym yesterday. I feel horrible today. I didn’t even overdo it. I’m going the Gym, yet my middle is just swelling up and my jeans are tight. It’s really getting me down. Then everything else on top of it is also getting me down. I know that I am still feeling stressed even with medication because I want things to change and no one else is willing to meet me half way to get those changes. This is probably me internalising things again.
I have no choice but to internalise things because if I try to approach anyone to sort things out I’m going to get thrown in prison while that order is in force. I know this sounds stupid, but I need the other person’s forgiveness and things remaining the way that it is really affects me negatively. I know that others are going to look at me and think that I am a sensitive weirdo that should be able to just shrug things off. That is something that I cannot do. There isn’t any therapy in the world that is going to change what I need changing. I’ve had group therapy and I’m different now. That is what the other person wanted and now that is what I am. I wish that people would just let me have what I need. The way it’s affecting me is showing that it’s not a want of mine, but it’s more like a need. It’s going to continue to affect me negatively if the need isn’t met. I have tried so hard to just forget and not be hurt by everything, but that’s something I cannot do. It’s destroying me because I’m the type that feels too much. I don’t want things to be the way they are anymore. I am in need of that forgiveness to be able to properly move on and unless the order is dropped I know that I do not have that. I’m so tired and I need a break, but unless others listen and do what I need doing in order to prevent me having a breakdown because of how tired it’s made me, that’s not going to happen. It isn’t about the other person involved. I’m thinking about avoiding a nervous breakdown because I get that tired due to thinking about it on a nightly basis and not being able to sleep even with medication. It’s time that the other person involved stops thinking about their needs and consider my feelings and what I need. I know that it could affect their employment if they went back on their decision and I’ve always stated that I never wanted them punished. However, I am aware no one listened to me on that occasion either because I was told by a friend of theirs that there had been an investigation against the other person involving the police etc. I feel so much guilt that is weighing me down because of being told all this by others.
At the end of the day, it was the university refusing to make reasonable adjustments for my disability needs that kicked this all off. I feel like everyone involved has laid all the guilt on me for reacting to that because I am the easiest to lay it on. They’ve made sure that I look like a problem so that they get away with letting me down. I may never get into university again. That was my one and only chance before the entry requirements changed. It’s not like it was my fault that I do not have the entry requirements due to my schools treating me in the same way due to my autism. I had everything I valued took away from me because of this situation. I’m stuck with a life that I don’t want which also frustrates me every single night. I hate waking up every day to the existence that I have been lumped with because no one has ever nurtured me, all they ever did was label me as a bad person and put me on the scrap heap. I got labelled a criminal on every occasion for rising to that treatment from schools, colleges and universities. They refused to make reasonable adjustments and not look at me in a suspicious way for my autism traits. I reacted to discrimination and for that I got a load of lies written about which I cannot change and will forever be judged from if places ask for information on me. I am fed up and it hurts me every single day of my life.