I just couldn’t even wake up for college today because I’m utterly exhausted. There is only so long that someone can internalise how they feel before it makes them ill. I have got to that point at the moment. I knew it was coming for many many months because I could feel myself getting more and more tired. I got to this morning and I just broke down completely. I have been in floods of tears several times today. I have emailed my tutor and he’s sent me the work to catch up on. I already have an arrangement with them in regards to Tuesdays while I have the group on. I don’t know what I’m going to do about the next 10 RAR days I have to use because they only have groups over my area on a Tuesday. I will probably have to go to Leicester. I don’t want to be awkward, but I really don’t feel like being around groups of people right now. I would do other things to complete those days. I was up for it when we began the whole group idea thing, however, now I’ve changed as a person. I’m not a person who wants to be with people now after my experiences.
I know that I will go mad if things aren’t changed. I can’t get others to see things from my point of view and I’m scared to be open because of how I’ve previously been treated. Other people have the logic that I want the restraining order removed or at least made not indefinite because I want a friendship with the other person. Whereas, that isn’t the case. That isn’t the logic behind me wanting it either revoked or time limited (rather than left indefinite). Others won’t understand that this order is making me feel like I’m an evil person. I had a head that equates the order to me being evil and I can’t help but constantly tell myself that. I actually hear voices shouting that I’m evil. I should just top myself and that I’m scum like criminals in the news that have done a lot worse.
I’ve had my head telling me this for a very long time. That constant self hatred because of a physical order that I didn’t really deserve (if people knew the full story about how I was discriminated against which led me to things I said in emails) has got too much. The only way that the voices will stop and my head will stop telling me I’m all of the above is an ending of that order. As far as the order protecting the other person from me goes, that isn’t needed. Those that know me will tell anyone I am the most harmless person there is and I’m the one more likely to be taken advantage of by other people. I couldn’t hurt anyone even if I needed to do so to protect myself. I am completely helpless and I hate it because I’ve had so many people take advantage of me, taking my money off of me and befriending me for ulterior motives. I got trolled by the person’s friends and their comments hurt me to the point where it mentally tormented me. They started on things that were personal to me. The issue with my Mother not being maternal and having her own issues. I was born into that and as a youngster I kept being taken to various people to force me to become normal. This was before I was diagnosed with my disability. I was rejected by my Mother because she wanted a normal child. It’s evil to bring that up during online taunts. It was bullying that I reported but they told me to just ignore it. They said a lot worse to me than I’d ever say to the other person unprovoked. They presume I’m an undesirable person, but have no idea how far I was pushed to say those things that I said after getting kicked out of university.
I am aware that people will think I’m being absolutely ridiculous, but they do not have Asperger Syndrome. They do not have the issue of constantly going over something in your head every single day, none stop until you feel terrible about yourself. If others think my outwardly expression of my O.C.D emailing traits are bad, then they certainly cannot relate to how distressing the inner O.C.D thinking can be. It’s now programmed me to feel like I’m an awful person. I hate myself every time I look in the mirror. I hate myself even more since I started gaining weight. I only needed anti depressants because others refuse to see how their actions have indirectly destroyed me.
It’s caused me harm being forced to internalise my outwardly O.C.D traits. I’m sure that someone with a physical illness wouldn’t like being told to ‘lose the illness’ or get sent to prison. That is the reality that people like myself have to deal with because others don’t understand. We live in a society that says ‘fake normal’ or ‘be punished’. I have to live my life under constant threat and that is a constant source of stress that really weighs me down. I feel constantly stressed by this order being in force. It will destroy me if others don’t take into consideration my point of view. I’m not asking others to try to understand it. That is not a requirement here. The requirement is for others to take it on board and see how it’s destroying me. I am just about functioning, but today was the first day that I simply could not, so I know that it’s set to get worse.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 