I am beyond exhausted. I cannot function properly at all. I had an early start because of the group but I couldn’t go for a nap due to one of the others from the group having to pick their medication up from my flat. They left it in my car. I’ve managed to do my maths work even though I’m extremely tired. I can’t even get warm today. I have early starts for the rest of the week. The damn car’s battery is about to go so I’m off to get a new one fitted tomorrow morning. I don’t want to get stuck out in the middle of nowhere at this time of year in the dark. Cars never break down in convenient places, that is just one of those things.
The last car that I had (inherited from my Dad), broke down in the middle lane of a roundabout. I was stuck there until someone else stopped in the outside lane and helped move my car across to the grass verge. The engine cut out because a sensor stopped working. I sat there for a while and had my hazard lights flashing. I was lucky that no one went into the back side of my car because not many people slow down much approaching the island that I’d broken down on. I rang all the necessary places but then you just have to sit there until they can get to you. I get asked by others if I got scared, but to be honest I do not get afraid. I knew I had to get on with things because if I froze out of fear then I’d stay in that situation. It was just after I’d lost my son to adoption. I was technically still acting on autopilot. I didn’t really feel ‘present’ for a long time. I’m only starting to feel ‘in the moment’ again now. I was quite far away mentally until very recently. I was hurting a lot. But, I never showed it to anyone around me because others just assume that it is so easy to move on. Those that haven’t had children don’t think that it would hurt so much to lose a child under any circumstances. I wouldn’t have been able to relate to that before I had my son. And, Thursday I have college in the morning and on Friday I have my blood test at the doctors (that is very early).
It was about problem-solving today. I got asked if there was anything I need help solving. The things on my mind constantly are things that just can’t be solved because others refuse to work with me. They won’t ever work with me so I’m stuck awake every night getting more and more distressed by it all. I can’t get others to change their minds and I’m not going to change my mind. I’m the type that will hold onto something for decades if I think it was unfair. I also remember every single detail and even conversations word for word. That’s not a good thing because my mind replays things, which results in things feeling like they’ve only happened yesterday. I can’t go on like this though. I get no sleep because I’m constantly distressed over everything that has happened. Others that know me can see how everything has negatively affected me. I barely go out and I just can’t trust anyone.
Then my cats wake me up wanting to come in and out of the window, so I end up with broken sleep every night. I can’t stop Mister going out because he’s a cat that will only go out night or late evening. He is extremely nocturnal natured. Mimi will go out during the day and normally comes in before 2am. Dave takes an opportunity to come in and out of my flat whenever he feels like it. He walked in when my friend from the group came to collect their medication earlier. He has done that with a neighbour of mine too. He was meowing at the window before that but I was busy finishing off my maths work. He knows when it is the cat’s dinner though. He just appears around the same time I’m getting ready to feed them. I still get the odd fight break out between Mister and Dave, but they seem to tolerate each other more now. I’m having major issues with Mister shredding storage boxes at the moment. He’s left the wallpaper alone for a while (which I’ve agreed that I’ll replace). He just gets bored easily, which is why there is no way he’s being kept inside at night because I’ll probably wake up to something wrecked.
I don’t even have the energy to straighten my hair. I washed it last night and put it up in a ponytail. It is all kinky and messy. However, it’s in a lot better condition than it’s been in a long time. I have to style it otherwise it looks like I’ve walked out of a strong wind. It takes me quite a while to straighten it and even thinking about that task puts me off. I’ll feel a lot better when it’s done. I can’t paint my nails yet because I have one that has crumbled and it is really short. I have a splitting and crumbling issue with my nails. I never used to have these problems. I’ve got a split down the side of the same thumbnail I had last time. I grew the last one out and then another one appears in the same place. They’re ok once they get past a certain length and only 5 (half) of mine have got to that stage. It’s all about patience and not getting disheartened every time the length breaks off. Some women are really lucky and can grow their fingernails a reasonable length, I used to be okay in that department. In fact, I used to get comments from others when I had my nails a reasonable length and painted. I have tiny hands and they used to look really nice. They just look really mismatched right now. It doesn’t help that the temperature outside is extremely cold. I couldn’t feel my hands when I was out earlier and that is bound to affect my nails. I know that lack of sleep doesn’t help. I’m gaining weight too because I eat breakfast at night before going to sleep. I have a stomach podge already. I need to tell myself I’m not actually hungry, it’s just my medication tricking me.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 