So many worries!

I woke up ill this morning which hasn’t helped how worried I feel about certain things. I’ve had stomach ache all day. I feel extremely bloated and I’m sure it’s nearly that time again. I’ve gone up on my medication because the GP told me I could take up to seven a night depending on how my knee feels and the depressive feelings. I can only increase the dosage every three days. I’m on 30mg a night (3 tablets). I can’t go up a dosage for the next three days because I only increased it last night. I feel down when I have PMS anyway. I know I’m going to have to deal with that ‘girly thing’ next week. I am normally quite moody or tearful the week leading up to it. I have actually worked out that every time I’ve laid into someone via email or something it has coincided with that time. And my OCD is less controllable around that time. I’ve tried the pill etc but that turned me into a full-time b*tch. I think it’s best if I don’t take anything and just go moody/tearful for two weeks a month than be like that permanently. I hear that it is common for females diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome to suffer from hormone issues. I don’t want to go into detail, but it’s not just the moodiness and tearfulness, things in that department aren’t very good right now. I can’t go anywhere for fear of embarrassment. It’s been worse since I had my son. I was told by others that things in regards to that department would get better after I have a child. In my case, this is the opposite.

I’ve felt so unhappy all day. I could have gone the Gym but I’m going to leave that until Friday. I didn’t really walk far today because of the wind. I managed to collect my IGCSE biology certificate. I missed the post on Tuesday and had a slip posted through my letterbox asking me to pick the letter up or rearrange the delivery. It had to be signed for because the exam centre had sent it by special delivery. I had provisionally arranged for it to be delivered Friday, but I decided to go to collect it because I needed some fresh air (and quite breezy air today, as I nearly got blown off my feet several times). I drink far too much fizzy drinks. I seem to be drinking them more and more because I am craving sweet things. 

I’m worried about potential weight gain from my new medication. It’s not really something that you can avoid with some medications. I don’t think there is any that doesn’t cause some weight gain. I don’t want to end up a size 16 again. That is the size I ended up last time I was on medication long term in my early twenties. I’m feeling hungrier and ignoring it because I know it’s the medication making me feel like I haven’t eaten enough. When I was on medication in my early twenties, I could eat through half a loaf of bread and a pack of biscuits or a whole big bar of chocolate each night. That was as well as normal meals. I feel so ashamed of myself for wanting to eat that much. I never felt full because I was on antipsychotics at that time (because I’d not long been discharged from hospital). I was taken off of them not long after my 20th birthday because I asked to go on them to cope with the hospital and residential care home environment. They were both awful places. I was the youngest in an adult ward. I was just too old for the adolescent ward and only just turned 18. That was where I was sent when they first criminalised me and made me ‘disappear’ after I found the conviction targets. I do not mind talking about it. I wasn’t crazy. I was sent there so that this area could get rid of me to stop the truth coming out. I still won’t shut up about what I discovered, so they didn’t get rid of me. I was wrongly labeled a criminal. I was pushed very far to react in the way that I did on every occasion. I am sorry but no one is going to stand there and take being discriminated against without fighting back. I was too shy to do it verbally, so I wrote it. Others would say it, but that offers no proof in law. If they hadn’t changed the damn clauses of the harassment laws in 1997, then I wouldn’t have been labeled as something that I’m not. I was basically only labeled because I fought for what was right as a teenager. I am not someone who just accepts the way things are if a situation is wrong. Society doesn’t like those that question the way things are done. 

I am aware that there are people out there that think I am scum. I can feel it. The way I acted in the last situation (just like previous situations where I’ve been set up to react and then get punished) was out of character. I was pushed so far over a period of months to get so angry I said things that were awful and I didn’t mean. There have been people saying that what I said was vile and that I’m a danger to the other person. I am not a danger. I am the softest person ever and that is why I’ve let society walk all over me. I feel guilty every single day of my life. I beat myself up over everything several times over. And, as far as vile goes. I was treated vile by the university and, in some respects, also by my support service. I was repaying how I was treated to a person that promised me I’d never get kicked out and they’d never go to the police if my disability kicked off. I am not the awful person here. I’m fed up with having the blame placed on me. I didn’t cause this situation. I was open and honest about my disability. I was told to be so that I would be able to be provided with support. Instead of support, I got judgment and demands placed on me. Those demands equaling threats if I didn’t do what I couldn’t help. If others had listened to a word that I’d said at that time, they’d know it wasn’t so simple as being asked not to have my disability traits. I was basically asked to lose the negative aspects of me (which wasn’t going to happen) in order to keep what I really wanted. I had a right to be angry. That isn’t fair. I did the right thing by being honest in the first place and then get nothing but refusal to work with my needs. It worries me that the truth will never be known because others are pointing the finger at me to get out of their responsibility. I didn’t want anyone to get into trouble, but I also don’t want to be the one seen as the evil one. I’m not evil. I just get totally fed up with the discrimination. I am an honest and open person and all I seem to get is it thrown back in my face and this has left me hurt beyond repair.

I’m also worried about the DLA to PIP change over. I’ve seen too many horror stories to believe that I’m going to be okay. A points system is an extremely unfair way to judge disabilities that are invisible. Those assessors know absolutely nothing about the reality of living with the disabilities we have. I’d love to work, but as I said above, my label means that unless someone gives me a chance and looks beyond the label, then this won’t happen easily. But, I do lay awake worrying about the issue of potentially losing half of my income because of this DLA phase out. I was awarded DLA indefinitely due to the fact that they knew my disability was lifelong. That isn’t an option with PIP. Apparently, you have to reapply every few years. That is a horrendous amount of stress to put on those of us that rely on those payments because of our situation. I don’t like the thought of going through this worry every few years. It’s bad enough now. And I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to meet the criteria because a lot of those with Autism, Mental Health, Learning Disabilities etc haven’t met the criteria and been refused it. I wish I didn’t have to rely on the benefits system, but right now I have no other option.