I found out that my Maths class is canceled after today because not enough people are attending to justify running the class. I had the option of a day class Tuesday and Thursday or an evening class Tuesday morning and Thursday morning. I can’t go to the day class on a Tuesday. I can’t only attend on one day due to attendance issues and I will miss parts. I reluctantly enrolled on to the evening class but I am pretty sure I’m going to try to find a day class somewhere else closer to home. I’m not keen on going into the city in the evening because I don’t feel safe on my own. Multi-storey car parks (where I park my car if I don’t park up and walk down into the city) are quite dark and scary as a female on your own. I would certainly not feel safe walking to and from where I park the car on the outskirts of the city if my class ended at 9pm or something like that. I have times during the day (due to everything I’ve been through) when someone is too close to me, I literally start walking faster due to fear. I don’t trust another human being after what I’ve been subjected to by others. I wouldn’t hit out by mistake. I just want to ‘run away and hide’.
I found an Amazon gift voucher I’d never used when I had a clear out of my utility room. £25 which can go towards buying new bed covers because my old ones are practically ripped to shreds (they don’t last long with cats and their claws. I have another voucher which I won in the Christmas card competition. I think that was also £25, but that is one of those ‘all shops ones’. I can spend that in most places. I’m trying to pay off my credit card bill in chunks but have to time it when I get paid. £50 twice per month. £100 total by credit due date. I get two payments of ESA and for now, I have to not count DLA because I will almost certainly have to fight for my rights to get enough to cover the shortfall of my rent at least with this changeover. I am prepared to go to a tribunal with them and the place I’m getting help from filling in the form also supports people with those too. If I could walk out there and get a job then that would be my preferred option, but I do not have the required qualifications because I failed maths and the criminal record will mean that I won’t get a look in. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve ever left it. I always get rejected when they establish that I’m labeled. I have tried to become ‘normal’ even though that is alien to me. I’m pretty sure that it is only fair to give people a chance that literally has given up all the identity that they’ve known in order to become what other people see as normal.
I don’t want to accept that my diagnosis means I will always have my Asperger’s traits that annoy others. They also annoy me too sometimes because when I’m in full OCD mode I get absolutely nothing done and normally those I want to be closer to never want to see me or speak to me again. I hated being ‘weird’ socially. It’s nearly destroyed me mentally trying to change, but I have managed to do it. I felt like I was fighting my own brain, which nearly drove me mad. I may have achieved what I wanted to achieve but I am still very tearful because the damage is already done. I couldn’t do what others wanted me to do at the time and I’ve already lost the person I wanted to get to know and the university won’t ever let me back. I’m also feeling it for the first time in regards to my son having been adopted. I may never be over it but I’ve never felt intense emotional pain when I see others with babies and young children. I just think of what I am missing every time. I don’t want to end up resentful because it’s no one else’s fault that my son was taken away from me. It was many unfortunate circumstances that led to that as well as me trusting the wrong people. I just want to see my son again, but he would never even recognise me. I want the restraining order dropped because I’ve worked so hard to change who I am. I deserve something positive to happen and for things (eg. friendships etc) to work out because I’ve put so much effort into everything to have things and people in my life that I really have wanted all that time that I wasn’t able to be normal.